[reluctantly]beloved

Vanish

2009-02-07T14:21:00.005-06:00

There is something here
Something about freedom
To see where I was
And what I am walking into
And to see all the lies
Dissipate.
To know that it is not of me
To know that I could not have done this
And to know that everything
That is drawn out of me
Is burned and refined
Not for me,
But for Him.

Are you dead?

2008-12-30T14:41:00.001-06:00

I was 15 when I first cut myself with a kitchen knife. I was 13 the first time I decided not to eat anymore. It was a gradual process. The road to self-injury was long and subtle, as most roads to bondage are. In order to justify my actions, I went in search of every medical and testimonial resource I could find about such things. All I could find was the recurring thought that I was abnormal and the psychological promise that I would never recover from this mentality of self abuse. Fellow cutters told me that I would always struggle with the urge to harm myself-- that one never fully recovers, and the temptation will always be there.

But here is the truth, and listen closely:

WE WERE NOT CREATED TO COPE.

Let me make a suggestion here.

What if we were created to be healthy, happy individuals?
What if the way we have been treated, or the way we have treated ourselves has distorted that original intent?
What if we have submitted to a voice-- no, an enemy-- that tells us (in our own voice) that we need to feel pain, That there is something within ourselves that haunts us and presses outward and begs us to tear ourselves open just so it can be free, something that tells us that the only way to silence our own minds is to harm our physical bodies.
What if this same enemy is the one that tells us that we can never be rid of this harm?
What if I told you... you can be free of this?
What if I told you that it isn't YOUR blood that will save you?

What are you willing to die for? SIMPLY "NOT LIVING" IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER.

I will state today... I will declare it to you:

You have nothing to live for if you live as though you were dead.

Sink'n'Swim

2008-12-09T01:24:00.002-06:00

"O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you. You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them."

Psalm 89:8&9

"In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."

Ephesians 2:21&22

Really, he is.

2008-09-06T16:01:00.005-05:00

textile by Jenny Bergman

inspiration volume 1

2008-08-25T23:48:00.003-05:00

WORDS

As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says,
"In the time of my favor I heard you,
and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation. We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

COLOR - CONTRAST - PATTERN

I'm a sucker for a beautiful skyscape (and other pictures)

2008-08-15T01:16:00.006-05:00

Some things remind me of being a kid

2008-07-26T00:24:00.003-05:00

As I was B-O-U-N-D bound,
by the name of J-E-S-U-S,
to V-I-C-T-O-R-Y, I am F-R-Double-E,
You are mine, I call upon You,
because You look so very strong,
through C-H-R-I-S-T, through
Christ we are bound to win.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
Yeah hallelujah, I am saved!
Through Christ we are bound to win.

[the o.c. supertones]

Boylessness Alumna

2008-07-19T17:11:00.002-05:00

I've found that people shy away from the idea of God speaking to us humans. I'm sure I used to be one of them. The ideas of visions or dreams or even just prophetic words being spoken into someone's life are all new to me. I can't say that I've been operating under the assumption that these things were active and valid in my own life for more than a year and a half. It is amazing, however, to see these words, dreams, and visions being confirmed in my own life.

I figured I would write about this now, so that the next time you hear about me, it won't be an engagement announcement. See, about a year ago, God told me that He was going to prepare me for marriage. It's strange... when you receive a word like that so clearly and so directly, it's almost as though you feel like you have to question it-- like you have to throw a fleece out just to make sure you heard Him right. I threw the fleece out a lot. I spent a lot of time asking who my future husband was, rather than becoming the future wife he would need. Finally, just before classes started in January, I realized that God was not going to oblige me in answering my question of "Who is he?" so I decided to change my prayers that sought my future husband's identity into prayers that sought out my future ministry. It was at that moment (yes.. moment, not time, but at that very moment) that God told me that I would know who my future husband was through my future ministry.

So I took hold of that promise and set out to explore the possibilities of my ministry. I was co-leading a small church with my brother at the time, and my campus was weighing heavy on my heart. All I could do was pray and seek. After about a month and a half, I knew there were only two options for my future husband and I was praying fervently that it was NOT one of the specific men placed before me, and I was very open to the other option. In my heart, I think I knew who it was. God was giving me confirmation. I received a vision, my sister had received a dream concerning one of these two men, my family was confirming things through their discernment, but still I was hesitant. I began to pray that God would show me three things: His timing, confirmation from this man, and my part in the situation. I fell into the habit of submitting the situation to God daily. My faith was strong in God's promises, and I could feel myself being prepared for a Godly marriage.

Still, there were a lot of things that held me in bondage. Because of past experiences with guys, Satan was able to feed me the magnificent lie that I would never actually be able to 1) correctly interpret signals from guys or 2) correctly discern words from God. Even when he would wait for me after class everyday, or when he started coming over every Tuesday and bringing me ice cream (my favorite!-- no chocolate... don't want a migraine), or when he randomly picked me a flower, or when he started calling me everyday, I still couldn't quite accept the fact that maybe this guy was falling for me. Maybe, just maybe, God was taking His time so that He could romance me along side this man.

Let me set up a time line for you:

May 2007: I thought I was going to be a nun. Seriously. My face is photo shopped into a habit.

June 2007: God spoke to me about preparation for marriage.

September 2007: My brother tells me his buddy, Mark is coming to church that evening. I jokingly ask "Is he my future husband?" Christopher responds with "He could be." I meet Mark. He's cute. I'm impressed. He's out of my league... like whoah. Out of my league = Off limits.

January 2008: I decide to pursue my future ministry instead of my future husband.

February 2008: My first real conversation with Mark. I find a kindred spirit. He's still cute, and still out of my league.

March 2008: He starts waiting for me after class. We start to contemplate a ministry together on our campus. I found someone with the same heartbeat as my own. God confirms my desires and discernment with a shooting star and a dentist appointment. I want to guard my heart, but find myself asking "What if he doesn't like meeeeeee?!"

April 2008: I spend a week in Kansas with the boy. I am tormented by this. Our marriage is prophesied over. That's all, really. I'm still asking "What if he doesn't like meeeeeee?!"

May 2008: He starts praying with me twice a week and bringing me ice cream. He picks me a flower and sends me an e-mail about my character being that of a noble wife. What on earth do I do with that?! I'm still asking "What if he doesn't like meeeeeee?!"

June 2008: It all comes out in the open. One Thursday morning in my living room, he admitted his affection for me.

July 2008: A week and a half later, he told me that he had made a commitment to God to pursue marriage with me. The next day, I found out that God had spoken to him at the beginning of the year to tell him that I am his future wife. We press onward toward marriage and our future ministry together.

What else is there to say? A LOT. I'm going to write a book.

Thinking Before Talking

2008-07-14T23:37:00.001-05:00

Saturday, while I was at work, a customer bought her daughter a little stuffed dog that came with candy shaped as dog bones.
The little girl looked at the candies and said, "These are doggie bones!!"
The mom replied, "No they aren't! They're little girl bones!"
- SomethingMoreSophisticated (4/24/2006)

I'm in love.

2008-07-03T10:44:00.002-05:00

If it isn't too weird to say (or, I suppose even if it is), I am quite in love with this purse.

I bet he never thought he'd find competition with a handbag.

But... he might definitely possibly have some.

Romance on an Index Card

2008-07-03T01:52:00.002-05:00

If only I could touch Your robe
And all Your glory could introduce itself to my heart
It would be an instant romancing
Your love would beckon me to trust
Though my heart would decline
Until You make Your proposal to my soul
And I run out of reasons to say no
Then You would take me in Your arms and
Dance me across this place I call home
In a split second, You could heal me
And watch all my fears fade away.

[[He looks at me in a way I know I do not deserve. It's just like You. You have given me this gift, and present it continually while I look for every reason that it might not last... or every reason why I don't deserve it. Is it really like You said? Your promises are free for me to claim. You offer them daily. You place them before me. You hand them directly to my heart.]]

"Bring me into

Your holiness

Your Kingdom,

Your righteousness

My freedom"

[jennifer.knapp]

The Kingdom of God

2008-06-25T15:57:00.003-05:00

(Exodus 19:6) Our obedience sets us apart as the Kingdom of God. God's deliverance is what brought us here and gave us the right to see the Kingdom built up around us.

(1 Chronicles 29:11) The Kingdom Experiences we have are gifts given to us to help us realize our place before God. They are given to us so that we can offer them back to God in praise.

(Psalm 45:6) The Kingdom of God is brought forth not only by our representation of God's grace and compassion, but by our representations of His justice and sacrifice, as well.

(Daniel 4:3) God's Kingdom is eternal and immaterial. We cannot measure it, we can only experience it.

The Kingdom of God is:

God's will being done
God's glory being proclaimed
God's character being displayed
[[ Still not finished! ]]

Visions

2008-06-24T22:28:00.003-05:00

I think about the waves of time and how they roll across my shoulders.

Thinkin' no clock is gonna get the best of me.

Minutes threaten through the years to carve wrinkles with my tears,

Across the face with straining eyes to see.

They're looking for the peace that passes all understanding, in a world crazed with fear.

They say that I am much too demanding to want a better place than here.

So I'll go unto visions the prophets gave to me and

I'll dream of Heaven, the promise in which I believe.

Outside are dogs and scoffers, well they mock my very soul.

They try to steal the Joy of that promise I own.

But I will not be shaken from the rock that cleaves to me.

I've searched the world and found there's one thing I need.

It's the peace that passes all understanding, in a world crazed with fear.

They say that I am much too demanding to want a better place than here.

So I'll go unto visions the prophets gave to me and

I'll dream of Heaven, the promise in which I believe...

Was made by the Father,

sealed by the blood,

with the promise of Spirit

my victory is won.

Won't no lion catch me sleepin.

No, not on the darkest night.

Can I say the same for you?

Oh can you hear him creeping,

oh he's got you in his sights!

Oh, what are we to do?

Oh, the world is my Jordan.

Someday I'm gonna cross.

Ain't no one gonna look and say this soul is lost.

So I'll do my best, try to tell all the rest.

When the lion roars,

I'm gonna hide behind the cross,

because it's the...

Peace that passes all understanding, in a world crazed with fear.

They say that I am much too demanding to want a better place than here.

So I'll go unto visions the prophets gave to me and

I'll dream of Heaven, the promise in which I believe.

(Jennifer Knapp)

[[tomorrow, i think i might blog about the Kingdom of God and everything God's been speaking to me about it. for now, i'm going to go watch food network and HGTV...]]

Reluctantly Beloved : The Book

2008-06-17T14:59:00.005-05:00

Here are some sample pages from the book I'm working on. I can't promise that they will look just like this when the book is finished, but you'll get the general idea.

2008-06-16T22:49:00.002-05:00

"My eyes fear to close
This reckless letting go is hard to bare
On the edge of what I need,
Still I cling to what I see
And what have I there?
I bred my own disaster,
Who have I to blame?

All I need is waiting to be fanned to flame."

jennifer knapp

I hope Jesus knows how grateful I am that He has given me such an incredible mirror-image reminder of Him in human form. It is amazing to me how clearly a person can reflect the character of God when they are teachable and transparent.

As an aside-- I'm praying for a gentle, quiet spirit. I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I can feel God working on me.

Also, I am beginning a new book project. Since venturing into a new, purer form of ministry, God has impressed upon my heart the need for Spirit-led writing. I was actually becoming frustrated that He was not allowing me to write for so long, but today I think He released me and gave me a task bigger than I really would have liked. Be on the look out for it, I'll keep you updated. The tenative title is "Reluctantly Beloved", and I think it will probably include much more than just words (meaning graphic arts, photography, an maybe sketching... all things that I have not even thought about doing in a very, very long time.)

Let's hope God made me talented enough, not just driven enough. haha

A break from Music and Marriage talk

2008-06-13T18:31:00.002-05:00

Over at the Shlog, Shaun Groves has got a good conversation going about the impact of the Millennial Generation on the Church. Go check it out!

Table for Two

2008-06-12T09:57:00.003-05:00

I think I'm falling in love with this song, especially the last verse. For realz. With a "z".

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,

Talkin' 'bout soccer

And how every man's just the same

We made speculation

On the who's and the when's of our futures

And how everyone's lonely

But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone

Could I have missed my only chance?

And now I'm just wasting my time

By looking around

But you know I know better

I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing

Cause if the birds and the flowers survive

Then I'll make it okay

I'm given a chance and a rock

see which one breaks a window

See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone

That I forget what house I live in

But it's not my job to wait by the phone

for her to call

Well this day's been crazy

But everything's happened on schedule

from the rain and the cold

To the drink that I spilled on my shirt

'Cause You knew how You'd save me

before I fell dead in the garden

And You knew this day

long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me

And You can't plan the end and not plan the means

And so I suppose I just need some peace

Just to get me to sleep.

caedmon's call

prayer + icecream = the way to The Jessicanator's heart.

2008-06-03T22:27:00.003-05:00

"Who would have guessed what a few days would bring forth? How can God work His will in me if I am clogged with wishes of my own? Thy will be done.

I was certainly in a state! "Clogged with wishes." I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my own wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there." - Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"

My theme song right now

2008-05-23T12:43:00.002-05:00

Turn Your eyes from on this way. I have proved to live a dastardly day-- I hid my face from the saints and the angels who sing of Your glory. What You had in mind-- my weakness shines. Show me grace-- A little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve. Unearth this holiness I can't earn. It's a little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve. For all the sin that lives in me, it took a nail to set me free still, what I do I don't want to do and so goes the story. What You had in mind... What we seek we'll find, shine, show me grace. With all this motivation, I still find a hesitation deep in my soul. Despite all my demanding, I still find You understanding. Show me grace show me grace I know is... A little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve. Unearth this holiness I can't earn. It's a little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve

jennifer knapp

I just bought Plus One's CD, Exodus... I think it might become one of my favorites. I know that when the name, Plus One is spoken, people automatically think of white plastic egg chairs and the song, "Written on My Heart", but let me say-- THIS CD IS WAY COOLER THAN THAT. I much prefer the indie, Beatles-esque rock of this record to the boy band pop. I really dig their rendition of "Here I am to Worship." The CD is an excellent transition to Castledoor-- another one of my favorite bands. There are some definitely fantastic songs on this CD that reflect on deliverance and gratitude for God's redemption. JUST what I needed. The fact that the CD was produced by Peter Furler of the Newsboys doesn't hurt, either.

The Four Month Story... abridged.

2008-05-22T00:49:00.002-05:00

Where I was 4 months ago in regards to God's plans for Me+Marriage...

What God has transformed me into since then....

What God has been telling me to do for the past few months...

The beautiful gift that accompanied this transformation and my own obedience...

My current desired reaction to this gracious gift from God....

Oops.

I'm glad that God doesn't have to obey me.

2008-05-14T00:10:00.002-05:00

Ink makes my skin itch. I used to use red pens to mark up my arms whenever I would feel like cutting, and the skin around the red marks would get, well, red and itchy. Now, I reserve the act of writing on myself for only incredibly important reminders. As I sit here, listening to one of my favorite Christian musical artists (Jennifer Knapp), I am being renewed. I am being reminded of one of the most essential foundations of the Christian walk-- one I have not been so quick to remember as of late. One that counteracts everything that I've been struggling with lately.

See, even though most people wouldn't believe it, I care greatly about how people view me. I have a lot of rules concerning the way in which I should live, how my ministry should be carried out, and how I fit into the elements of life around me. I should emphasize that these are my rules. No one gave them to me, no one told me to have them, and no one ever told me that I had to keep them. Lately, God's been breaking my rules. He's been telling me to stop caring how people see me, and to start living as though I know that the Living God is inside of me... because the truth is, Jessica cannot make Jessica a great leader-- only Christ can. I don't think that my sin is in an inflated ego, because I know that I cannot be a great leader. My sin is in forgetting that Christ works through me to make my ministry so much greater than I ever could.

Right now, I have written on my hand, "The All-Consuming Fire BURNS IN ME"-- to serve as a reminder of where my strength to lead really comes from. Thank you, Jennifer Knapp, for writing this song in 1999 so that I could hear it 9 years later and finally get it.

i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but
He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

now i never claimed to be anymore than i am
any more than i seem
in fact i bill myself so much less than i am
so much less than He sees
so may i hold out with an open hand
this frail life of mine and pray that You can make it stand
most Holy God it's all i need to say that i'm thankful
i can believe in the

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

Those Durn Trees

2008-05-11T00:25:00.003-05:00

I am very good at being the Jessicanator.

I'm good at preaching the theology of waiting at the foot of Christ. I'm good at telling others how much of a blessing it is to see promises fulfilled by God. I'm good at telling others that it is exciting to see God's hand unfold every new thing and work out every variable. I am good at guarding my heart. I am good at knowing what I should be doing. I am good at carrying myself with some measure of grace and composure. I am good at not liking ooshy-gooshy romance movies. I am good at appreciating the art of flying solo. I am good at mentoring others in the way of the "Boylessness Movement."

But there are somethings that I am not so good at.

I am not good at waiting. I am not good at looking into a pair of striking blue eyes and ignoring their intentions. I am not good at not being a girl. I am apperantly not good at reading a text message written in Yoda-speak without having to stifle a giggle or squelch a smile. I am not good at appreciating God's timing. I am not even good at recognizing it. I am not good at seeing the forest.

But, I am very good at inspecting those trees.....

Reluctantly Beloved

2008-05-05T14:10:00.004-05:00

"The difference between a flower girl and a lady is not in how she acts, but in how she is treated." (My Fair Lady)

Just so-

"The difference between a prostitute and someone's beloved is not in what she wears, but in how she is transformed."

And I've been so quick to fall for others
I've been so hasty to escape Your love
But still You've pursued me, despite the idols on my lips.
You've removed the cup that made me drunk (Isaiah 51:22)
You've redeemed me with nothing but Your blood(Isaiah 52:3),
Your life-- a sum that no one's ever paid before
Amounting to so much more than what I sold myself for
Which is so much less than the price I've paid
To construct a lie amongst all the choices I've made
Because nothing I've made before was true love
No matter what mask it wore
And no one that I've bowed before (Hosea 2:16-19)
Ever changed my heart like You
And now the chance that You could change me into a bride
A bride dressed in jewels and white(Isaiah 61:10)
Washed by Your Word-- made radiant and right... (Ephesians 5:25-27)
Still this thought leaves me hesitating
While You whisper in my ear,
"Everything that's ever left you hanging
Every unkept promise, every unsaid word
Let Me take the place of every lie you've ever heard
You are mine, I am yours
You are mine, I am yours
No matter where or who you've been."

A Love Song for a Savior

2008-05-03T22:26:00.002-05:00

In open fields of wild flowers,
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses,
in no simple language.

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips.
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
Someday He'll call her and she will come running,
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You."

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best.
The sermon echoes through the walls.
A great salvation through it calls to the people,
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls.

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens.
As close as a heartbeat or a song on our lips.
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
Someday He'll call us and we will come running,
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you Savior,
Not close enough to call you God.
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion...
"I want to fall in love with You."

jars of clay

On a day like today...

2008-04-29T18:03:00.007-05:00

...there are no words, only icons.