[reluctantly]beloved

God in the Woods

2011-06-09T15:30:00.003-05:00

Everyone needs a letting go
A stand in the rain
A look the sky in the face
And throw your burdens at the clouds.

Everyone needs to run through the woods
To shed their skin
To breathe in. To breathe out.
To expel the poison in their bones.

My spirit is not found in steepled churches
My heart is not contained by those four walls
My confession is not boxed by wooden screens
Or by mere mortal men.

My heart dwells in the river bed
It lives in the stones
Wrapped, shaped, and smoothed by the rushing stream.
My spirit sits on the tallest of trees
Bathed by the sun, reaching uninhibited into the sky
My confessions are carried by the wind
I speak them, and they vanish to the east onto the west
And the length in between

My Jesus does not live in the temples of man.
My Lord is not contained by their four walls.
My God dwells with me.
My God is in the woods.

[and everywhere.]

Daughters of Sarah

2011-05-25T10:59:00.002-05:00

Fear is so very common in our culture. In fact, it is so ingrained that we don't even recognize it for what it is. It is found so often in pre-nuptial agreements, in life-insurance for our infants, in all of our organic alternatives, in our activism and in our judgement of others. We base lifestyles off of paranoia, and justify our insecurity. Fear in its subtly defines us. It is also a far cry from who God made us to be.

In 1 Peter 3, this is addressed, specifically for women.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner-self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is how the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." (1 Peter 3:3-6)

I am not writing this as an anti-feminist expose', instead, I want to focus on the last sentence of this passage. "You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear." What is so important about this? Why did Peter choose to write about Sarah, and not some other woman from Biblical history? Let's look at a different passage. Galatians 4 and 5.

This passage talks about the story of Sarah and Hagar. When Abraham and Sarah could not conceive a child, Sarah arranged for her maidservant, Hagar to have Abraham's child in order to make haste of the situation. In the end, Hagar and her child were banished, and Sarah conceived Abraham's son, Isaac by the hand of God. Despite Sarah's rash decision and lack of faith, she is still the one to give birth to the son of promise-- Isaac. Furthermore, she is the one referred to in Galatians 4 as the free woman, representing spiritual freedom under grace, as opposed to Hagar, who represents slavery and being bound to the law.

What is the lesson here? What is the importance? Sarah is barren, but God blesses her with a child. She is submissive to her husband (and ultimately to God), and she is the representation of freedom in Christ. So what does it mean to be her daughter? Galatians 4 says that it means to live by the Spirit, rather than by the flesh. In this way, we are children of the free woman (Sarah).

There is something to be said about the correlation between living by the Spirit, and not giving way to fear. Aside from the fact that both of these things make us daughters of Sarah, they are inseparable in our spiritual lives. In fact, the only way to be fearless in life is to walk by the direction of the Holy Spirit. When we do so, we relinquish all rights. We let go of our own expectations and allow God to have His way with us. If we do not do this, the result is a nagging woman who lives from crisis-to-crisis and never trusts God or anyone that God places around her. If we choose to walk in the Spirit, we become loved and loving women who are able to laugh at the days to come, who's arms are strong for our tasks (Proverbs 31), and who willingly and lovingly call God and our husbands our masters.

(PS- The things listed in the first paragraph of this entry are only examples of things that are commonly, though not always, a product of fear in American culture.)

What Does Your Art Express?

2011-04-12T12:08:00.002-05:00

I've had the opportunity and privilege over the past two days to spend some time working on my novel. Sitting at the computer, waiting for something to type onto the screen, I found myself playing spider solitaire more often than actually writing anything. It occurred to me that art is far more challenging that it first appears.

Over the past six months or so, Mark and I have been carried from the "newlywed" phase to a phase of exploring what God has called us specifically to do as a married couple- what is our ministry? What vision are we going to stake our lives in? What expression of the Kingdom do we see God building up around us and through us?

We know the overarching, big picture call on our lives- to reform the arts for the glory of God- but with a call like that, where on earth do you start?

It's easy to write fluff. It's easy to make something that sounds psuedo-spiritual, that ignites some sort of emotional reaction. It's easy to fulfill the worldly purpose of arts. It's easy to express yourself. But what if that isn't the purpose of art? What if our own egos and narcissism have overtaken something that God intended to change the world?

God's art isn't about us, because life isn't about us. God's art is difficult. It's difficult to create, and sometimes even more difficult to accept. It isn't just something to draw, write, paint, sing, or play. It's something you have to walk out. You can't write a song that declares "I was dead, now I'm alive," and continue to live as though you were dead.

Consecrated art doesn't express US. Consecrated art expresses GOD.

Desire of My Heart

2011-02-05T11:31:00.000-06:00

When Jesus says to us, "You give me your life, and I'll give you Mine," He didn't just mean freedom, miracles, and authority. He meant all of it. He meant sorrow. He meant loving... giving yourself to people and receiving betrayal, hatred, and abandonment in return. He didn't promise happy. He didn't promise safe, but He did promise abundant, beautiful, and glorious. He promises GOOD, and it is the only way to the Father.

"Yes, Lord, walking in Your ways, we eagerly seek You; for Your name and Your renown are the desires of our hearts." Isaiah 26:8

I Lack Titling Skills

2010-12-30T11:31:00.002-06:00

If we are to actively pursue a Godly life, we must constantly submit to the mind of Christ. We cannot decide one moment that we are above this, and the next fall before the throne of God, claming to be wholey dependent on the cross. In the realm of mercy, it is all or nothing. God demands out righteousness and desires our full attention focused on things of purity.

He calls us to truly love one another, keeping no record of wrongs and delighting in only truth. Our practice of quarrelling over trivialities is revolting. Our habit of building up walls composed of the Bricks of Pointlessness is nothing short of abhorent. If we were true disciples of Christ, the world would know us by our love for each other. We would fulfill this notion of a city on a hill with such passion and dignity that none could doubt our commitment to our God or His Church.

"I hope I shall be forgiven a hard word if I call this a perfect cavil. I readily own there hath been an old custom, time out of mind, for people to assemble in the churches every Sunday, and that shops are still frequently shut, in order, as it is conceived, to preserve the memory of that ancient practice; but how this can prove a hindrance to business or pleasure is hard to imagine. What if the men of pleasure are forced, one day in the week, to game at home instead of the chocolate-house? Are not the taverns and coffee-houses open? Can there be a more convenient season for taking a dose of physic? Is not that the chief day for traders to sum up the accounts of the week, and for lawyers to prepare their briefs? But I would fain know how it can be pretended that the churches are misapplied? Where are more appointments and rendezvouses of gallantry? Where more care to appear in the foremost box, with greater advantage of dress? Where more meetings for business? Where more bargains driven of all sorts? And where so many conveniences or incitements to sleep?" - Jonathan Swift, On Abolishing Christianity

Renovation

2010-05-14T15:31:00.001-05:00

It's been a while. Good old Reluctantly Beloved and I haven't spent any good, quality time together since well before I got married. I've decided to resurrect the old blog, though. Things are happening... good things, and I'd love to share them with you.

Stay tuned.

Vanish

2009-02-07T14:21:00.005-06:00

There is something here
Something about freedom
To see where I was
And what I am walking into
And to see all the lies
Dissipate.
To know that it is not of me
To know that I could not have done this
And to know that everything
That is drawn out of me
Is burned and refined
Not for me,
But for Him.

Are you dead?

2008-12-30T14:41:00.001-06:00

I was 15 when I first cut myself with a kitchen knife. I was 13 the first time I decided not to eat anymore. It was a gradual process. The road to self-injury was long and subtle, as most roads to bondage are. In order to justify my actions, I went in search of every medical and testimonial resource I could find about such things. All I could find was the recurring thought that I was abnormal and the psychological promise that I would never recover from this mentality of self abuse. Fellow cutters told me that I would always struggle with the urge to harm myself-- that one never fully recovers, and the temptation will always be there.

But here is the truth, and listen closely:

WE WERE NOT CREATED TO COPE.

Let me make a suggestion here.

What if we were created to be healthy, happy individuals?
What if the way we have been treated, or the way we have treated ourselves has distorted that original intent?
What if we have submitted to a voice-- no, an enemy-- that tells us (in our own voice) that we need to feel pain, That there is something within ourselves that haunts us and presses outward and begs us to tear ourselves open just so it can be free, something that tells us that the only way to silence our own minds is to harm our physical bodies.
What if this same enemy is the one that tells us that we can never be rid of this harm?
What if I told you... you can be free of this?
What if I told you that it isn't YOUR blood that will save you?

What are you willing to die for? SIMPLY "NOT LIVING" IS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH ANSWER.

I will state today... I will declare it to you:

You have nothing to live for if you live as though you were dead.

Sink'n'Swim

2008-12-09T01:24:00.002-06:00

"O LORD God Almighty, who is like you? You are mighty, O LORD, and your faithfulness surrounds you. You rule over the surging sea; when its waves mount up, you still them."

Psalm 89:8&9

"In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."

Ephesians 2:21&22

Really, he is.

2008-09-06T16:01:00.005-05:00

textile by Jenny Bergman

inspiration volume 1

2008-08-25T23:48:00.003-05:00

WORDS

As God's fellow workers we urge you not to receive God's grace in vain. For he says,
"In the time of my favor I heard you,
and in the day of salvation I helped you." I tell you, now is the time of God's favor, now is the day of salvation. We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited. Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

COLOR - CONTRAST - PATTERN

I'm a sucker for a beautiful skyscape (and other pictures)

2008-08-15T01:16:00.006-05:00

Some things remind me of being a kid

2008-07-26T00:24:00.003-05:00

As I was B-O-U-N-D bound,
by the name of J-E-S-U-S,
to V-I-C-T-O-R-Y, I am F-R-Double-E,
You are mine, I call upon You,
because You look so very strong,
through C-H-R-I-S-T, through
Christ we are bound to win.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
Yeah hallelujah, I am saved!
Through Christ we are bound to win.

[the o.c. supertones]

Boylessness Alumna

2008-07-19T17:11:00.002-05:00

I've found that people shy away from the idea of God speaking to us humans. I'm sure I used to be one of them. The ideas of visions or dreams or even just prophetic words being spoken into someone's life are all new to me. I can't say that I've been operating under the assumption that these things were active and valid in my own life for more than a year and a half. It is amazing, however, to see these words, dreams, and visions being confirmed in my own life.

I figured I would write about this now, so that the next time you hear about me, it won't be an engagement announcement. See, about a year ago, God told me that He was going to prepare me for marriage. It's strange... when you receive a word like that so clearly and so directly, it's almost as though you feel like you have to question it-- like you have to throw a fleece out just to make sure you heard Him right. I threw the fleece out a lot. I spent a lot of time asking who my future husband was, rather than becoming the future wife he would need. Finally, just before classes started in January, I realized that God was not going to oblige me in answering my question of "Who is he?" so I decided to change my prayers that sought my future husband's identity into prayers that sought out my future ministry. It was at that moment (yes.. moment, not time, but at that very moment) that God told me that I would know who my future husband was through my future ministry.

So I took hold of that promise and set out to explore the possibilities of my ministry. I was co-leading a small church with my brother at the time, and my campus was weighing heavy on my heart. All I could do was pray and seek. After about a month and a half, I knew there were only two options for my future husband and I was praying fervently that it was NOT one of the specific men placed before me, and I was very open to the other option. In my heart, I think I knew who it was. God was giving me confirmation. I received a vision, my sister had received a dream concerning one of these two men, my family was confirming things through their discernment, but still I was hesitant. I began to pray that God would show me three things: His timing, confirmation from this man, and my part in the situation. I fell into the habit of submitting the situation to God daily. My faith was strong in God's promises, and I could feel myself being prepared for a Godly marriage.

Still, there were a lot of things that held me in bondage. Because of past experiences with guys, Satan was able to feed me the magnificent lie that I would never actually be able to 1) correctly interpret signals from guys or 2) correctly discern words from God. Even when he would wait for me after class everyday, or when he started coming over every Tuesday and bringing me ice cream (my favorite!-- no chocolate... don't want a migraine), or when he randomly picked me a flower, or when he started calling me everyday, I still couldn't quite accept the fact that maybe this guy was falling for me. Maybe, just maybe, God was taking His time so that He could romance me along side this man.

Let me set up a time line for you:

May 2007: I thought I was going to be a nun. Seriously. My face is photo shopped into a habit.

June 2007: God spoke to me about preparation for marriage.

September 2007: My brother tells me his buddy, Mark is coming to church that evening. I jokingly ask "Is he my future husband?" Christopher responds with "He could be." I meet Mark. He's cute. I'm impressed. He's out of my league... like whoah. Out of my league = Off limits.

January 2008: I decide to pursue my future ministry instead of my future husband.

February 2008: My first real conversation with Mark. I find a kindred spirit. He's still cute, and still out of my league.

March 2008: He starts waiting for me after class. We start to contemplate a ministry together on our campus. I found someone with the same heartbeat as my own. God confirms my desires and discernment with a shooting star and a dentist appointment. I want to guard my heart, but find myself asking "What if he doesn't like meeeeeee?!"

April 2008: I spend a week in Kansas with the boy. I am tormented by this. Our marriage is prophesied over. That's all, really. I'm still asking "What if he doesn't like meeeeeee?!"

May 2008: He starts praying with me twice a week and bringing me ice cream. He picks me a flower and sends me an e-mail about my character being that of a noble wife. What on earth do I do with that?! I'm still asking "What if he doesn't like meeeeeee?!"

June 2008: It all comes out in the open. One Thursday morning in my living room, he admitted his affection for me.

July 2008: A week and a half later, he told me that he had made a commitment to God to pursue marriage with me. The next day, I found out that God had spoken to him at the beginning of the year to tell him that I am his future wife. We press onward toward marriage and our future ministry together.

What else is there to say? A LOT. I'm going to write a book.

Thinking Before Talking

2008-07-14T23:37:00.001-05:00

Saturday, while I was at work, a customer bought her daughter a little stuffed dog that came with candy shaped as dog bones.
The little girl looked at the candies and said, "These are doggie bones!!"
The mom replied, "No they aren't! They're little girl bones!"
- SomethingMoreSophisticated (4/24/2006)

I'm in love.

2008-07-03T10:44:00.002-05:00

If it isn't too weird to say (or, I suppose even if it is), I am quite in love with this purse.

I bet he never thought he'd find competition with a handbag.

But... he might definitely possibly have some.

Romance on an Index Card

2008-07-03T01:52:00.002-05:00

If only I could touch Your robe
And all Your glory could introduce itself to my heart
It would be an instant romancing
Your love would beckon me to trust
Though my heart would decline
Until You make Your proposal to my soul
And I run out of reasons to say no
Then You would take me in Your arms and
Dance me across this place I call home
In a split second, You could heal me
And watch all my fears fade away.

[[He looks at me in a way I know I do not deserve. It's just like You. You have given me this gift, and present it continually while I look for every reason that it might not last... or every reason why I don't deserve it. Is it really like You said? Your promises are free for me to claim. You offer them daily. You place them before me. You hand them directly to my heart.]]

"Bring me into

Your holiness

Your Kingdom,

Your righteousness

My freedom"

[jennifer.knapp]

The Kingdom of God

2008-06-25T15:57:00.003-05:00

(Exodus 19:6) Our obedience sets us apart as the Kingdom of God. God's deliverance is what brought us here and gave us the right to see the Kingdom built up around us.

(1 Chronicles 29:11) The Kingdom Experiences we have are gifts given to us to help us realize our place before God. They are given to us so that we can offer them back to God in praise.

(Psalm 45:6) The Kingdom of God is brought forth not only by our representation of God's grace and compassion, but by our representations of His justice and sacrifice, as well.

(Daniel 4:3) God's Kingdom is eternal and immaterial. We cannot measure it, we can only experience it.

The Kingdom of God is:

God's will being done
God's glory being proclaimed
God's character being displayed
[[ Still not finished! ]]

Visions

2008-06-24T22:28:00.003-05:00

I think about the waves of time and how they roll across my shoulders.

Thinkin' no clock is gonna get the best of me.

Minutes threaten through the years to carve wrinkles with my tears,

Across the face with straining eyes to see.

They're looking for the peace that passes all understanding, in a world crazed with fear.

They say that I am much too demanding to want a better place than here.

So I'll go unto visions the prophets gave to me and

I'll dream of Heaven, the promise in which I believe.

Outside are dogs and scoffers, well they mock my very soul.

They try to steal the Joy of that promise I own.

But I will not be shaken from the rock that cleaves to me.

I've searched the world and found there's one thing I need.

It's the peace that passes all understanding, in a world crazed with fear.

They say that I am much too demanding to want a better place than here.

So I'll go unto visions the prophets gave to me and

I'll dream of Heaven, the promise in which I believe...

Was made by the Father,

sealed by the blood,

with the promise of Spirit

my victory is won.

Won't no lion catch me sleepin.

No, not on the darkest night.

Can I say the same for you?

Oh can you hear him creeping,

oh he's got you in his sights!

Oh, what are we to do?

Oh, the world is my Jordan.

Someday I'm gonna cross.

Ain't no one gonna look and say this soul is lost.

So I'll do my best, try to tell all the rest.

When the lion roars,

I'm gonna hide behind the cross,

because it's the...

Peace that passes all understanding, in a world crazed with fear.

They say that I am much too demanding to want a better place than here.

So I'll go unto visions the prophets gave to me and

I'll dream of Heaven, the promise in which I believe.

(Jennifer Knapp)

[[tomorrow, i think i might blog about the Kingdom of God and everything God's been speaking to me about it. for now, i'm going to go watch food network and HGTV...]]

Reluctantly Beloved : The Book

2008-06-17T14:59:00.005-05:00

Here are some sample pages from the book I'm working on. I can't promise that they will look just like this when the book is finished, but you'll get the general idea.

2008-06-16T22:49:00.002-05:00

"My eyes fear to close
This reckless letting go is hard to bare
On the edge of what I need,
Still I cling to what I see
And what have I there?
I bred my own disaster,
Who have I to blame?

All I need is waiting to be fanned to flame."

jennifer knapp

I hope Jesus knows how grateful I am that He has given me such an incredible mirror-image reminder of Him in human form. It is amazing to me how clearly a person can reflect the character of God when they are teachable and transparent.

As an aside-- I'm praying for a gentle, quiet spirit. I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I can feel God working on me.

Also, I am beginning a new book project. Since venturing into a new, purer form of ministry, God has impressed upon my heart the need for Spirit-led writing. I was actually becoming frustrated that He was not allowing me to write for so long, but today I think He released me and gave me a task bigger than I really would have liked. Be on the look out for it, I'll keep you updated. The tenative title is "Reluctantly Beloved", and I think it will probably include much more than just words (meaning graphic arts, photography, an maybe sketching... all things that I have not even thought about doing in a very, very long time.)

Let's hope God made me talented enough, not just driven enough. haha

A break from Music and Marriage talk

2008-06-13T18:31:00.002-05:00

Over at the Shlog, Shaun Groves has got a good conversation going about the impact of the Millennial Generation on the Church. Go check it out!

Table for Two

2008-06-12T09:57:00.003-05:00

I think I'm falling in love with this song, especially the last verse. For realz. With a "z".

Danny and I spent another late night over pancakes,

Talkin' 'bout soccer

And how every man's just the same

We made speculation

On the who's and the when's of our futures

And how everyone's lonely

But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone

Could I have missed my only chance?

And now I'm just wasting my time

By looking around

But you know I know better

I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing

Cause if the birds and the flowers survive

Then I'll make it okay

I'm given a chance and a rock

see which one breaks a window

See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone

That I forget what house I live in

But it's not my job to wait by the phone

for her to call

Well this day's been crazy

But everything's happened on schedule

from the rain and the cold

To the drink that I spilled on my shirt

'Cause You knew how You'd save me

before I fell dead in the garden

And You knew this day

long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me

And You can't plan the end and not plan the means

And so I suppose I just need some peace

Just to get me to sleep.

caedmon's call

prayer + icecream = the way to The Jessicanator's heart.

2008-06-03T22:27:00.003-05:00

"Who would have guessed what a few days would bring forth? How can God work His will in me if I am clogged with wishes of my own? Thy will be done.

I was certainly in a state! "Clogged with wishes." I was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, I wished that I could wish that my own wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there." - Elisabeth Elliot, "Passion and Purity"

My theme song right now

2008-05-23T12:43:00.002-05:00

Turn Your eyes from on this way. I have proved to live a dastardly day-- I hid my face from the saints and the angels who sing of Your glory. What You had in mind-- my weakness shines. Show me grace-- A little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve. Unearth this holiness I can't earn. It's a little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve. For all the sin that lives in me, it took a nail to set me free still, what I do I don't want to do and so goes the story. What You had in mind... What we seek we'll find, shine, show me grace. With all this motivation, I still find a hesitation deep in my soul. Despite all my demanding, I still find You understanding. Show me grace show me grace I know is... A little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve. Unearth this holiness I can't earn. It's a little more than I can give, a little more than I deserve

jennifer knapp

I just bought Plus One's CD, Exodus... I think it might become one of my favorites. I know that when the name, Plus One is spoken, people automatically think of white plastic egg chairs and the song, "Written on My Heart", but let me say-- THIS CD IS WAY COOLER THAN THAT. I much prefer the indie, Beatles-esque rock of this record to the boy band pop. I really dig their rendition of "Here I am to Worship." The CD is an excellent transition to Castledoor-- another one of my favorite bands. There are some definitely fantastic songs on this CD that reflect on deliverance and gratitude for God's redemption. JUST what I needed. The fact that the CD was produced by Peter Furler of the Newsboys doesn't hurt, either.

The Four Month Story... abridged.

2008-05-22T00:49:00.002-05:00

Where I was 4 months ago in regards to God's plans for Me+Marriage...

What God has transformed me into since then....

What God has been telling me to do for the past few months...

The beautiful gift that accompanied this transformation and my own obedience...

My current desired reaction to this gracious gift from God....

Oops.

I'm glad that God doesn't have to obey me.

2008-05-14T00:10:00.002-05:00

Ink makes my skin itch. I used to use red pens to mark up my arms whenever I would feel like cutting, and the skin around the red marks would get, well, red and itchy. Now, I reserve the act of writing on myself for only incredibly important reminders. As I sit here, listening to one of my favorite Christian musical artists (Jennifer Knapp), I am being renewed. I am being reminded of one of the most essential foundations of the Christian walk-- one I have not been so quick to remember as of late. One that counteracts everything that I've been struggling with lately.

See, even though most people wouldn't believe it, I care greatly about how people view me. I have a lot of rules concerning the way in which I should live, how my ministry should be carried out, and how I fit into the elements of life around me. I should emphasize that these are my rules. No one gave them to me, no one told me to have them, and no one ever told me that I had to keep them. Lately, God's been breaking my rules. He's been telling me to stop caring how people see me, and to start living as though I know that the Living God is inside of me... because the truth is, Jessica cannot make Jessica a great leader-- only Christ can. I don't think that my sin is in an inflated ego, because I know that I cannot be a great leader. My sin is in forgetting that Christ works through me to make my ministry so much greater than I ever could.

Right now, I have written on my hand, "The All-Consuming Fire BURNS IN ME"-- to serve as a reminder of where my strength to lead really comes from. Thank you, Jennifer Knapp, for writing this song in 1999 so that I could hear it 9 years later and finally get it.

i sit here and question why my God loves me
though i have never done a good thing, or a righteous deed
and though i'm rich, i claim that i'm poor
crying over earthly things i know i can't afford but
He who died is greater than these
i should be thankful, praying on my knees crying

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

now i never claimed to be anymore than i am
any more than i seem
in fact i bill myself so much less than i am
so much less than He sees
so may i hold out with an open hand
this frail life of mine and pray that You can make it stand
most Holy God it's all i need to say that i'm thankful
i can believe in the

Alpha and Omega
Prince of Peace
o, my King of Kings
the Great I Am, Jehovah Jireh
who cares for me
the Holy One, the Holy Father of the Blessed Trinity
All Consuming Fire burn in me

Those Durn Trees

2008-05-11T00:25:00.003-05:00

I am very good at being the Jessicanator.

I'm good at preaching the theology of waiting at the foot of Christ. I'm good at telling others how much of a blessing it is to see promises fulfilled by God. I'm good at telling others that it is exciting to see God's hand unfold every new thing and work out every variable. I am good at guarding my heart. I am good at knowing what I should be doing. I am good at carrying myself with some measure of grace and composure. I am good at not liking ooshy-gooshy romance movies. I am good at appreciating the art of flying solo. I am good at mentoring others in the way of the "Boylessness Movement."

But there are somethings that I am not so good at.

I am not good at waiting. I am not good at looking into a pair of striking blue eyes and ignoring their intentions. I am not good at not being a girl. I am apperantly not good at reading a text message written in Yoda-speak without having to stifle a giggle or squelch a smile. I am not good at appreciating God's timing. I am not even good at recognizing it. I am not good at seeing the forest.

But, I am very good at inspecting those trees.....

Reluctantly Beloved

2008-05-05T14:10:00.004-05:00

"The difference between a flower girl and a lady is not in how she acts, but in how she is treated." (My Fair Lady)

Just so-

"The difference between a prostitute and someone's beloved is not in what she wears, but in how she is transformed."

And I've been so quick to fall for others
I've been so hasty to escape Your love
But still You've pursued me, despite the idols on my lips.
You've removed the cup that made me drunk (Isaiah 51:22)
You've redeemed me with nothing but Your blood(Isaiah 52:3),
Your life-- a sum that no one's ever paid before
Amounting to so much more than what I sold myself for
Which is so much less than the price I've paid
To construct a lie amongst all the choices I've made
Because nothing I've made before was true love
No matter what mask it wore
And no one that I've bowed before (Hosea 2:16-19)
Ever changed my heart like You
And now the chance that You could change me into a bride
A bride dressed in jewels and white(Isaiah 61:10)
Washed by Your Word-- made radiant and right... (Ephesians 5:25-27)
Still this thought leaves me hesitating
While You whisper in my ear,
"Everything that's ever left you hanging
Every unkept promise, every unsaid word
Let Me take the place of every lie you've ever heard
You are mine, I am yours
You are mine, I am yours
No matter where or who you've been."

A Love Song for a Savior

2008-05-03T22:26:00.002-05:00

In open fields of wild flowers,
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses,
in no simple language.

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips.
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
Someday He'll call her and she will come running,
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You."

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best.
The sermon echoes through the walls.
A great salvation through it calls to the people,
who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls.

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens.
As close as a heartbeat or a song on our lips.
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him.
Someday He'll call us and we will come running,
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you Savior,
Not close enough to call you God.
So as I sit and think of words I can mention
to show my devotion...
"I want to fall in love with You."

jars of clay

On a day like today...

2008-04-29T18:03:00.007-05:00

...there are no words, only icons.

Annotations

2008-04-21T11:42:00.003-05:00

Just some notes that I've written in the margins of the Brennan Manning book that I'm currently reading.

"David's heart WAS gratefulness. It was a true gratefulness that looked at God and said, "It is only by Your GRACE that I am alive. You owe me nothing. I owe You all."

"Am I, with my life, whispering doxology in the darkness around me?"

"Again, there it is...God owes me nothing"

"He (Jesus) knew God's will, yet He still submitted to whatever was in store for Him. He was God, but His life still screamed, 'GOD OWES ME NOTHING. I OWE HIM ALL.' "

If God owes us nothing, why does He offer us EVERYTHING? That isn't fair. I want nothing... nothing but all of Him.

It finally fits

2008-04-17T19:28:00.001-05:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
-- e. e. cummings

blue italics

2008-04-03T20:15:00.006-05:00

I wish GOD

Would speak a little LOUDER
or even just

whisper softly

to say "yes"

"no"

"maybe"

"here, now, how, who"

or just

"STOP ASKING ALREADY"

I wish "being still and knowing"

didn't mean

"being silent and letting"

Letting God be God

Letting promises be promises

and choosing to place my heart in knowing

HE IS GOD

When I was a child,
The world, to me, seemed so old.
All I could do was live to catch up
All I could do was die to be alive
But now, life really begins
When the scars stop bleeding
When they no longer scream
When they no longer define me
(they no longer deface me)
This once defeated temple is surely not dead
Because if the grave has lost its sting--
If Death has no victory,
Then Christ has it all.

2008-03-28T16:03:00.002-05:00

Again, I'm speaking in lyrics. Maybe someday I'll have my own words again.

"One of these days, I'll find a way to celebrate all my mistakes

(Falling over, falling over just to show that I'm alive)

Could it be so bad to follow all these dreams I have

And use them for Your glory?"

number one gun

Maybe I do have my own words to say about that. I'm rediscovering some of my old music. It's cool to see the story God has chosen to write for me. I'm thankful each day for the removal of shame from my life... maybe someday, I will be able to CELEBRATE my mistakes.

I Am Understood

2008-03-26T14:48:00.002-05:00

You're the only one who understands completely

You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words

If I think of something worthy

I know that its already Yours

And through the times I've faded and You've outlined me again

You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then...

You looked into my life and never stopped
And You're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And You recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

relient k

revolutionary

2008-03-17T12:04:00.001-05:00

When God speaks, and you listen, prepare to be more discontent with those around you than you have ever been before.

But, remember the wise words of Jars of Clay,

"You don't got to fight or make yourself belong to be a revolution."

Pray for me... I'm trying to be that revolution.

My New Prayer

2008-03-13T01:24:00.001-05:00

Hope came home,

Home to me today,

And fear has run the other way.

And words are weak;

They don't know how to say,

"You know I still believe in You."

And should my dreams fall through,

I will be safe with You.

So with every breath I can breath,

I'll sing about how You love me.

bebo norman

Yummy

2008-03-07T15:06:00.000-06:00

I just made coffee, biscuits, and egg-drop soup.

I wish I could share it with you.

The "Sort-of" brand of Christianity

2008-02-28T14:27:00.003-06:00

Today, I decided to chill with some friends after class. After Contemporary Fiction, a girl needs some actually meaningful conversation. So, in hopes of this, I trudged across campus to the cafeteria, purchased a 20 ounce hot chocolate, and settled in with on of my friends at the "Big Table" in the cafeteria. There were two other students with him today, and the conversation was spiritual, so I was content for a few seconds.

I should rephrase. "The conversation was spiritual-- sort of."

I think something in me was a little agitated today. Nothing these other two students said was really settling well for me, and I think I truly came to recognize people who possess "a form of Godliness, but deny the power thereof."

"Either there will have to be a huge revival in America-- which I'm praying will happen, but it isn't likely-- or we're going to have to have a really strong Christian president to preserve the Christian heritage of America"

"There's really no point in evangelizing. Some people just aren't ready to hear the Gospel, and only people who are called by God the Father will come to the Son."

"Sometimes, I find myself asking God, 'Where are You? Where is the hope for our nation?'"

My reactions to all of these wonderful laments and shrugging off of responsibilities:

"Um.... WHAT?!"

"Um.... WHAT?!"

"Where is God? God is in YOU. Where is the Hope? The Hope is in YOU. Now, stop complaining. GO, make disciples of all men."

Of course, I didn't actually say these things, unfortunately. I just decided to retrace every letter on my midterm outline to keep from cursing them.

Whew!

2008-02-28T01:09:00.002-06:00

I just finished Elisabeth Elliot's "Passion and Purity" in about 10 hours combined. More on that later.... Perhaps.

Onward to a biography about Gladys Aylward! Again!

What a week!

2008-02-21T14:38:00.002-06:00

"Nothing unifies like a common Enemy

And we've got one, sure as Hell

He may be living in your house,

He may be raising up your kids,

He may be sleeping with your wife.

Oh no, he may not look like you think."

derek webb

Fool's Gold...

2008-02-04T23:44:00.000-06:00

If Christ commanded the rich young ruler to sell all he had and give it to the poor if he wanted to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven, why do we ignore this principle? It seems half of our lives are spent wanting to "get ahead", or worrying about what IS ahead financially, instead of focusing on things that ACTUALLY matter.

If James tells us that true religion is caring for widows, orphans, and the poor-- and remaining unstained by the world, why do we pick and choose which causes are good enough for our income to be sent to. We harbor away all of our money, as though it actually is OUR money, and not money that has been lent to us by God for His use in our lives?

If we are supposed to do everything without grumbling or complaining, why can we not find the good in what we have? We totter around everyday, looking at what God has blessed everyone else with, instead of rejoicing in what we have been blessed with.

Why is money such a stronghold for American Christians? I know of very few Christians in America that are not plagued by anxiety or insecurity in regards to money. To me, its nearly a phenomena. Can you explain it?

A New Law

2008-02-01T15:48:00.000-06:00

don’t teach me about politics and government

just tell me who to vote for

don’t teach me about truth and beauty

just label my music

don’t teach me how to live like a free man

just give me a new law

i don’t wanna know if the answers aren’t easy

so just bring it down from the mountain to me

i want a new law

don’t teach me about moderation and liberty

i prefer a shot of grape juice

don’t teach me about loving my enemies

don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit

just give me a new law

what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep

for one you can that cannot get you anything

derek webb

Beautiful Sound

2008-01-25T21:44:00.000-06:00

I think I'm going to fall in love with this song...

Turn the page,
Can't turn the light out.
Every word, every line
Carries to my soul.
Dark letters on a page
Singing so loud.
Where did I go wrong
Not to hear You?

Eighteen years,
I guess it was all right.
I let You do the thinking,
I'd just bide my time.
Father to son
Sunday hand-me-down.
Where did I go wrong
Not to hear Your song?

It's a beautiful sound
Moving through the crowd.
Voices lifted up
On high for You.

It's a beautiful song.
We've only just begun to understand.
Rediscovering You.

To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chased me.

newsboys

More on the Bride of Christ...

2008-01-23T16:54:00.000-06:00

I am of the persuasion that there is nothing in scripture that applies to only one situation. I strongly believe that there are principles modeled in the Bible that are relevant to many different parts of our life here on earth.

If men are to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, what does this say about a woman's role within the Church? Are we equal in our roles with men? If a woman has the same spiritual gift as a man, does this mean that they will both perform within the same roles in the Church? If the same-role ideal isn't modeled in marriage, why would it be carried out within the Church?

Now, with all questions asked (maybe), let's look at the role of women in marriage. Even from the very beginning, Eve was created to be Adam's helpmate. Paul instructs that men are the head of the home, as Christ is the head of the Church, and women are commanded to submit to their husbands as the Church does to Christ. While this is not directly addressing the role of women within the Church, I do believe it applies.

Men and Women are created for specific natural roles, regardless of their spiritual gifting. If we are created to be nurturers and helpmates, it is unlikely that we are intended to use our giftings in the same way. This is simple for those who are gifted with Mercy or Serving, but it gets a little harder when you run into a Prophetic female voice, or even an Apostolic one. What then? What does the Apostolic woman do when the issue of submission arises in Church leadership?

I would certainly not suggest that it is impossible for a woman to be gifted in such a way. If that is so, then it would also be impossible for men to be gifted with the less confrontational gifts. We are not gifted based on gender, but I do believe that our gifts work differently according to our gender. I also believe that as women of a prophetic or apostolic gifting, we are called to more than loose submission to a vague male spiritual authority. We are called to be the support system and helpmate for the men in authority over us. We are called to be the mentors of the younger women around us, and we are called to work by the Spirit within our own giftings regardless of the social pressure to do otherwise. Is this a dichotomy?

So... I THOUGHT I had asked all the questions.... :)

Wedding Plans are underway

2008-01-19T19:50:00.000-06:00

Lately, God has been speaking to me a lot about the Bride of Christ. Until this season of my life, this meant very little to me. I have never been the kind of girl who planned their big, fancy wedding at the age of twelve. I have never been very romantic in the traditional flowers-and-chocolate sort of way. Even now, as God is preparing my heart for marriage, and taking me through the process of wedding-related things with my best friend, I still have very little foresight as to what my wedding will look like. One thing I do know is that weddings require a lot of attention to detail and a lot of preparation. This preparation can be frightening, frustrating, joyous, and just plain painful sometimes.

If it is true that the Church is the Bride of Christ, and the wedding will be after Christ's return, is not the time we have here the time of preparation for the wedding? What does this entail?

The engagement announcements-- Usually, the bride isn't afraid to put the name of her betrothed on the announcement of engagement. For some reason, it seems, we are afraid to even reveal his identity. But, when we don't tell the world Who it is that we are going to be married to, we keep them from sharing in the blessings of the engagement.

The perfect dress-- All brides want one thing, if nothing else, for their wedding. If the dress isn't right, the whole wedding can't be right. Bridal ornaments are talked a lot about in the Old Testament, always as a symbol of the bride's identity. In Isaiah 61:10, it says that the Lord has clothed us "...with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels." What dress are we wearing as the Bride of Christ? Is it a radiant white that displays the purity and righteousness provided for us by Christ? Or did we opt for an ivory dress because of our infidelity, our unsightly pale skin, or because we thought we would break the norm of society?

The bridal shower-- I think that the bridal shower is the thing that we, as the Church, neglect the most. Instead of bringing our spiritual gifts before the Bride of Christ, we spend all of our time offering services that will in no way aid in the wedding preparations or in the life we will share with our Beloved after the wedding day is over. We were all created with gifts that will help the Bride fulfill her one true wedding preparation (that is, restoring God's glory in the world), but we either work out of our flesh, or we never RSVP for the bridal shower. Help the bride out a little!

"... Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." - Ephesians 5:25-27

"The Church"

2008-01-12T01:30:00.000-06:00

I have come with one purpose
to capture for Myself a bride
by My life she is lovely
by My death she’s justified

I have always been her husband
though many lovers she has known
so with water I will wash her
and by My word alone

so when you hear the sound of the water
you will know you’re not alone

'cause I haven’t come for only you
but for My people to pursue
you cannot care for Me with no regard for her
if you love Me, you will love the Church

I have long pursued her
as a harlot and a whore
but she will feast upon Me
she will drink and thirst no more

so when you taste My flesh and My blood
you will know you’re not alone

there is none that can replace her
though there are many who will try
and though some may be her bridesmaids
they can never be My bride
derek webb

Floridian Mosquitos are my least favorite.

2008-01-03T00:27:00.000-06:00

I have finally, in my treks across the country, to various states including but not limited to, Kansas, Colorado, California, Ohio, and numerous other places where I have been bitten by mosquitos both large and small, discovered one thing......

Floridian mosquitos are my least favorite.

Why? Because, when you're enjoying a fantastic, chilly evening on Miramar Beach as the fog is rolling in along with high tide, and your forehead starts itching... then burning... then swelling up to an insane size, it sort of ruins the moment.

But, all swollen foreheads aside, Florida was great... well, as great as salt water and sand can get. I really did like the thunderstorms, though. I'm glad to be back!

Crafty Christmas...

2007-12-18T14:30:00.000-06:00

It's just been one of those Christmas seasons where I decide that all of my gifts will be hand made. Along with this decision comes the inevitable desire to cook and bake non-stop. I'm slowly becoming a crafty-blog-aholic, and trying out everything I possibly can, such as...

Pocket Pinboards made for two of the awesome girls in my life, though I cannot disclose names.

Detail on the absolutely adorable fabric on the pink one.

And Rock candy for the kids in the church, though I'm thinking that it still has a few days to go.

Thursday, I'm making some strawberry scones. I've never made scones before, but I'm hoping they turn out really well. Friday is the Goodwin Female baking day before Christmas, and then the real Christmas Time begins. Hurrah!

Florida vacation will begin on Christmas day, which is a way for my dad to TOTALLY throw out all Christmas traditions. We did manage to still have secret santa sort of things, and I made my gifts, though I can't say anything more about it than that. Someone might find out. =-O

All in all, I'm pretty excited. I do loves me some Christmas Season.

My next hair cut?

2007-12-13T15:36:00.000-06:00

I get bored pretty easily with my hair, which is bad-- because I never know what to do next. My hair is now reaching the length at which everyone else says "you're hair is getting longer! It's so pretty!", and at which I start thinking "Need...to...chop.... need... tooo... chooooooppp..."

Normally I do something drastic like flippy short short layers...

but, I'm thinking it might be too drastic this time. So... I was thinking... maybe a page boy bob? What do you think? Should I bring back that good old 1940's fashion?

PS-- this isn't a joke.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2007-12-01T09:34:00.000-06:00

For years, I CLUNG to these lyrics...

"All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told"

I never knew how true it would turn out to be.

Wasteland No More

2007-11-18T19:03:00.000-06:00

I just finished my second book project. It's called Wasteland No More, and it's a collection of journal entries, poetry, creative non-fiction, and other writings about my recovery from self-harm.

The download for this one is free. Go check it out!

Wasteland No More

4:04 AM

2007-11-14T04:04:00.000-06:00

It is interesting to see God's provision in the things He does not allow me to have.

I am congested.

2007-11-09T13:57:00.000-06:00

What a week.

God is ushering my ministry with Teia in with a wonderful simultaneous sharing of a headcold. Luckily for me, it's almost gone. I can't say the same for Teia, though. Keep her in your prayers. Not just with the cold, but as she embarks on a totally new chapter of her life... so new that you could probably say that God decided just to begin a new book.

I've decided to start a new blog. Since I have been writing articles about home organization and cooking for a while now, I thought I would join that passion of mine with my passion for interior design. I will still keep The Prologue, but if you're in the least bit curious... or you want to try out a new recipe, head on over to Vintage :: Modern.

That's all for now, I think. I'm going to make some coffee!

Smash Hit

2007-10-25T02:44:00.000-05:00

All he needed was PR

A million box of business cards

Careful image consultation

Securing reputation

A clever market plan

He didn't understand

That's all it really takes

He could have played for higher stakes

Now

Somehow

We've gone wrong

This Jesus thing, it's a smash hit

It's packaged right

All stocks have split, it's a smash hit,

It's gone worldwide

Join His name to any cause

Drop His name to get applause

They never get enough

Nothing here to be ashamed of

Those ever loyal fans

They wanna get their hands

On His newest merchandising

Ignoring overpricing

Now

Oh Wow

We've gone wrong

It has no explanation

It smells like exploitation

all star united

A Bookworm's Review: Fiction to Film

2007-10-19T13:19:00.000-05:00

After watching BBC's mini-series rendition of Jane Eyre, I was far more than surprised to see someone pull off the character of Mr. Rochester, let alone someone who did it better than Orson Welles.

What I found was a man who bore a striking resemblance to Laurence Olivier, in both his presence and acting style. With all the brutality of character that Olivier was able to execute the roles of Heathcliffe in Wuthering Heights, or Maxim De Winter in Hitchcock's Rebecca, Timothy Dalton flawlessly (flawlessly!) portrayed Mr. Rochester.

I was so pleasantly surprised, actually, that I stayed up watching the entire miniseries. It was quite a journey through Miss Eyre's life; a word for word journey, straight from Bronte's pen. Once again, I find BBC undefeated in the recreation of literature of the Romantic Era. First (in my own knowledge) with Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice, and then with the Sherlock Holmes Pastiche, "The Case of the Silk Stocking" and now with Jane Eyre. I can't wait to see what they will do next.

Burn the Maps

2007-10-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

we have got a dream and since it started
they all did their best to stamp it out
now we're not certain, we're not certain
who is on our side, who's on our side
older generations made their decisions
but we don't wanna follow their formula
with all due respect, with all respect man
we don't wanna end up where your at
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
and we're not walking on your footprints
we're breaking branches in the forest
so we don't forget where we came from
start from scratch baby start from scratch now
there's no better time to be reborn
glide across the path like no one's watching
and if you hit traffic, honey that's okay
you're the best at being you now
speed up or slow down choose your pace
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
and we're not walking on your footprints
cause all we need is love
you're giving us a deadline
you're waiting for the punchline
we're waiting for our moment to arrive
so give a little trust
recieve us with an open mind
you're busy reading archives
we're busy making future headlines
burn the maps, burn the maps
we won't stay behind that fence
we're not walking on your footprints
in the middle of a big black trench
we're not walking on your footprints

castledoor

Metaphorically Speaking

2007-10-07T15:35:00.001-05:00

Sip at my coffee in this grease ball café
Listening to the crowd maddening outside
In search for celebrity
In hopes of a spotlight
Rain drops pelt the darkness of this darkening world
Waitress sings a song about the daily specials
When all I really want is this coffee and some…
I look out the window to see a carbon copy
Of the latest fad from the no-longer-silver screen
And everyone else playing poor imitations of themselves
Bach echoes in my head, transposed into the trash playing on the radio
Crying out for individuality, but lacking all it takes
Much like the carbon copies and poor imitations outside
So I sit here in this grease ball café
Humming a tune from Bach,
Waiting for my order of change.

Words of wisdom

2007-10-01T14:35:00.000-05:00

"Real love sacrifices without flinching"

Shaun Groves said this at the concert I attended Saturday night. It was an acoustic set... him, his guitar, and his piano. He told stories about being a dad and husband, and he shared this bit of wisdom when he talked about how parenting reveals a completely different side of God's love that one would ever know before. The sentence settled in my heart, and has been there since.

What a great example I have had of God's love in my own father! My whole life, he has been sacrificing without flinching, not just for our family, but for God, and for so many others around us. His life is a glimpse of Christ's sacrifice to me. It is also an example and a warning.

I've always said I wanted to marry someone with the strength of character that my dad has, and I still do. Only now, I have a guideline. My father's strength comes from his willingness to do anything for the good of those he loves. I want no less in my future husband. I want to marry someone that sacrifices without flinching... someone who sacrifices everything for Christ and for those in need.

This month is Clergy Appreciation Month. I know that, in my own church, the leadership is an incredible example of real love for Christ. So... here's to my dad, Bob, Anthony, and the rest of the leaders. Thank you for your sacrifice.

Follow Up

2007-09-27T02:42:00.000-05:00

After my post, Songs of Time, I had the most incredible experience. Of course, there was no one awake, so there was no one to share it with, but I thought I'd e-mail Abbi... because I wanted to tell someone.

My E-Mail—"I just wrote a really long blog post about my recovery from self-injury, and where I am now in relation to that-- it talked about how every phase of my recovery drew a picture of who God would later become in my life. I've been healed from a lot of things lately... mostly things that were residue left over from self-injury... my hatred for BLANK, my barriers I've built between BLANK and me, my whole eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and so many other things. I have been completely healed, and I am so beyond rejoicing... I can't even describe it. Well... as I was writing this blog post, I was listening to Jars of Clay's song, Worlds Apart, and I was in a really worshipful mood. I decided that, since I hadn't done my quiet time, I would read at least a chapter. I remembered a verse in Isaiah 51 that God revealed to me when I was about 14, and right at the brink of my whole bout with self-harm. Until tonight, I thought it was just a cool, powerful verse, especially for someone struggling with an oppressive addiction. The verse is:

14. The cowering prisoners will soon be set free;

they will not die in their dungeon,

nor will they lack bread.

Of course, when I was 14, this was a comfort for me... and since tonight, I was sort of walking through things that helped me along in my recovery, I thought I would read the verse, but I ended up reading the entire chapter up until verse 16.

1 "Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD : Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn;
2 look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth. When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.
3 The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD. Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
4 "Listen to me, my people; hear me, my nation: The law will go out from me; my justice will become a light to the nations.
5 My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm.
6 Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.
7 "Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts: Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults.
8 For the moth will eat them up like a garment; the worm will devour them like wool. But my righteousness will last forever, my salvation through all generations."
9 Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old. Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces, who pierced that monster through?
10 Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
11 The ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
12 "I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass,
13 that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor?
14 The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.
15 For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name.
16 I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' "

As I read the last verse, I realized that God didn't give me that verse to help me to recover, even if it was a comfort. He place the verse in my heart as a foreshadowing of the journey He would take me on. Every verse describes perfectly the story of my recovery... the entire passage echoes a promise of preservation that I always felt in my bones, even if I couldn't see it at times. I bawled as I read it... I mean... happy, smiling, sobbing, gut wrenching, bawling...

I don't know if this makes sense to you... but I have never felt so personally close to God.. like, He literally touched my heart with this passage, and rewound my memory to the first time I read it... when I was 14, sitting in the backyard of our house in Staunton, my Bible and sketchbook open.... scouring everything I could (my heart, nature, scripture...) for some shred of who God wanted me to be... Six years later, after refining me, reviving me, and restoring me, He brings up this passage again and reveals my exact identity... " I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, 'You are my people.' " "

At church on Saturday, Isaiah was again placed before me, only this was a word of knowledge, given to me as a means of encouragement. It was a personalized mission for me, reminding me that I am the perfect example of how God heals an addiction, and that there are still many "cowering prisoners" who are dealing with such things as cutting and eating disorders who do not know the healing power of Christ.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

2007-09-24T17:06:00.000-05:00

I now have an official website for my bookstore. The inventory is still small, but I thought I'd share a link with the world.

Shylock's Daughter Booksellers

Songs of time

2007-09-21T01:08:00.000-05:00

A lot of times, it seems like I am living my life through song lyrics. Tonight, I decided to take a stroll down memory lane by listening to all of the music I listened to when I was still self-injuring, recovering from it, and even some of my modern music. By doing this, I realized how much music marked my life, and how much of a voice it gave me. Doing this also gave me a glimpse of something that I have been personally rejoicing lately-- healing... complete, beautiful, sing-at-the-top-of-your-lungs healing of everything in me.

In the past year or so, God has picked one thing after another to remove from me and cleanse out of my life. I have finally been freed of so many things-- self-hatred, grudges held against those who have hurt me in the past, my compulsiveness, my obsessiveness, my pretentiousness, my disordered eating, living under deception, the fear of not being good enough....

All of these things and more have disappeared from my life, and it never felt like a gradual thing. It was more like.... one morning, I woke up and I felt no resentment toward a certain person, and I felt no bitterness or pain when I thought of another. Another morning, I woke up and had no desire to control my food intake, nor did I care if other people saw me eating, nor did I care if other people looked at me and said "how'd she get to be THAT big??". And another morning, I woke up knowing that despite who I am, who God is never changes, so I will always be good enough to do His will. And still another morning, I woke up and realized that I didn't have to be afraid of holding a conversation with another person, because my mind worked coherently and I was lucid... no problems with my memory or with expressing myself verbally.

I was healed. I am healed.

And now, as I sit here listening to the music of my past, I realize that God brought me through every phase of my addiction in perfect order, so as not to leave out any experience that I would later rejoice in having because it gives an inexplicable portrait of who God has become in my life.

Even in the stage where I could not find words for my pain or emotions, God drew out my emotions with words in the form of lyrics or poetry. This was the phase where you just have to take every emotion as it is, and force yourself to feel it... and if you can't do that, to have to at least describe what it looks like to you. The line "Time doesn't always heal, it just breathes and swallows memories" describe perfectly the feeling of hopelessness, or the feeling of helplessness of the phase. Where you have the emotions, but no where to put them, so they sit with you, on you, in you, and you just sit and wait for release as time breathes and swallows memories, cradling you with its rise and fall of breath.

The next phase is the beginning of recovery, though it never really feels like it. It's the time where you find a healthy release of emotions. My release (the only true release) was found in God. I was a mess... it felt like I was metaphorically bleeding out all of my emotions that I had pent up or never recognized as valid. Completely, wholeheartedly bleeding myself dry of emotions. I would cry out to God, "You're all I want, You're all I need, You're everything, everything", and plead for Him to "usher me down". I would sit alone in a room, trying to stay perfectly still so as to restrain myself from self injuring, the lights out, music blaring, and my body shaking... feeling "the weight of loving all the things you hate", and praying that somewhere beyond the mess I was in, God was going to restore me into something He could use.

And He did restore me, but not until after I felt the dryness of the next phase. After all of my emotions had run up, and I knew that I was beyond the habit of literal self-harm, I had a deep feeling of inadequacy. This is not the sort that everyone should rightly feel in light of who God is, it is a lie... it is the feeling that something YOU have done will eternally and irreparably hinder God's use of you. So often, I'd find myself singing to God-- "Daddy, daddy do you miss me-- The way I crawled upon your knee? Those childish games of hide and seek seem a million miles away. Am I lost in some illusion, or am I what you thought I'd be? Now it seems I've found myself in need to be forgiven. Is there still room upon that knee?", and wanting more than anything the child-like relationship I had once shared with my Holy Father. Instead, I felt as though my sorrow's absence left my life with no meaning, and more than anything, with no feeling.

After two or three years of the third phase... the dry spell, if you will, God finally gave me the restoration I had so longed for. He provided me with a true Church family. He revealed to me multiple passions that I had so longed to see, and more than anything, He revived my heart and is continually romancing me and drawing me to love and want Him more. The only lyrics I can think of to describe this glorious phase even in the least bit are as follows:

"Free from the worry,

Free from the dark that lives in me.

Free to embark on the passion

You've favorably fashioned in me."

And now, as I stand here, completely incomplete, but completely assured in the fact that my sins have been cast as far as the east is from the west, I can find no words to express my gratitude and love for my rescuer, but I daily repeat the prayer, " More and more, I need You now. I owe You more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride, I gave up not so long ago. So steal my heart and take the pain, wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. take the beauty, take my tears... the sin-soaked heart and make it Yours take my world all apart. take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise, speak the words I can't deny, watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away."

Reasons Why

2007-09-14T13:36:00.000-05:00

Where am I today? I wish that I knew

'Cause looking around there's no sign of You

I don't remember one jump or one leap

Just quiet steps away from Your lead

I'm holding my heart out but clutching it too

Feeling this short of a love that we once knew

I'm calling this home when it's not even close

Playing the role with nerves left exposed

Standing on a darkened stage, stumbling through the lines

Others have excuses, but I have my reasons why

We get distracted by dreams of our own

But nobody's happy while feeling alone

And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall

We lean another ladder against the wrong wall

And climb high to the highest rung, to shake fists at the sky

While others have excuses, I have my reasons why

With so much deception it's hard not to wander away

It's hard not to wander away It's hard not to wander away

nickel creek

_________________________

"To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

Jude 1:24&25

2007-09-04T21:25:00.000-05:00

I don't really have a lot to say after my trip, except that... when you decide to stop reading George Orwell somewhere between Chicago, Illinois and Holland, Michigan, and you pray to God that He removes your short-sightedness, He'll back up your memory until the time that you're 12 years-old, signing up for an online e-mail pen-pal website and planting a seed that will turn out to be a life-changing experience.

God grows some beautiful things, truly.

... and I finally got to give her a real hug. :)

2007-08-29T18:49:00.000-05:00

I am no longer the poet of my youth
Nor am I the scholar of last year
Nor am I the girl of even yesterday
But it's okay
At least I'm still a pretty good cook.

I didn't know it was so easy!

2007-08-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

Today, I retrieved our mail and was excited to find the Willow Creek Association's Fall 2007 Resources & Events catalog. Even more exciting was the full color page of bar graphs, promoting a church leadership book and disclosing some findings from three years of research that Willow Creek conducted within 7 congregations, including their own.

In the last bargraph, people were compared in their spiritual growth by compartmentalizing them into 4 groups: Exploring Christianity, Growing in Christ, Close to Christ, and Christ-Centered.

These four groups of people were then polled to see how well they performed three spiritual behaviors: Tithing ("I give 10 percent"), Serving ("I serve one time per week"), and Evangelizing ("I have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations per year with Non-Christians.")

I guess I am way too hard on myself, because I never thought it would be so easy to be Christ-Centered. Less than 40% of these "Christ-Centered" people tithed. Little more than 40% of Christ Centered people serve in their church once per week, and little more than 50% of Christ Centered people have six or more meaningful spiritual conversations with Non-Christians per year. PER YEAR.

Man, I guess I need to lower my standards a little. It's a relationship, not a religion.... right?

I am HOME

2007-07-31T17:08:00.000-05:00

After spening a week away from my family, I realized why I am such a homebody. It isn't because I am agorophobic, or because I missed the computer, but sitting here, in the middle of Aiden's mess of toys, listening to Kikka mouth off to everyone that's not paying attention to her, and listening to my mom and Amy's non-stop chattering (they like talking...), I remember that home isn't locational for me. It isn't this 12 year old track home in O'Fallon, Misouri. It isn't even this Suburb of the greatest city in the Midwest. It's my family.

It never ceases to amaze me how much I adore all of them. There's a lot of them, and they're noisy and obnoxious, but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

So... school is just around the corner. It's been sort of a big summer for me-- publishing my novel, really getting involved with True Vine and Gamaliel's Counsel, and a lot of travelling that isn't even over yet. At the end of August, I'll be visiting Grandville, Michigan to meet my best friend of 8 years. Yes, to meet her. We have been pen-pals since we were 12 years old. We've been through engagements (all on her end), break-ups (of course, all on my end), brain surgeries, addictions, and serious struggles with God together. She was the first person to ever ask to be my best friend, and the first person to ever tell me that if there was ever anything that I couldn't ask God for, that she would be the one to talk to Him in my stead. We've mourned with each other and we've rejoiced with each other... and now, for the first time ever, I will be able to give her a REAL hug. I am excited beyond belief.

Job Moments

2007-07-16T22:25:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks, I've really been trying to work on a lot of issues with God. On Saturday, at church, my dad talked about two things that really struck me: asking God to reveal to you what lies Satan uses to distract you and influence you in your life, and consecrating yourself for Holy use. For starters, I thought for sure that I was past the whole being lied to by Satan thing... I was convinced that when I stopped cutting, I stopped being duped by the devil. But in the past three weeks or so, I've been running into some things that have been revealed to me as major roadblocks in how I can be used by God. Last week, the topic of discussion between my Abba and me was boys. This week, our conversations have to do with my lack of friends.

See, I have close friends... but Teia lives in Bolivar. Abbi is in Michigan, and right now, Ian is somewhere in Europe... or Iceland... or something. I have yet to be able to really connect with anyone around myself that I can really, really be close to. (This is not to downplay the importance of the irreplaceable trio in my life... it's just different when you can see them regularly.)

Last night, I found myself sleepless (go figure), and pleading for God to show me what is keeping me from really connecting with people. I kept coming up with my own answers for the question (I like to do that when asking God things), like, "Am I too blunt?", "Do I need to change who I am?", or even the infamous "it's because I'm fat, isn't it?" And though God answered "no" to all of my questions, my chain of thought proceeded to the inevitable "Well, even if You gave me a close friend, you'd just take them away like You always have in the past" routine that I've been through time and time again with God.

It struck me, right about the time I finished the "I'm too fat" question that I sounded just like Moses when he was making all sorts of excuses for himself when God asked him to do something. I remembered God asking him, "Who made man's mouth?", and I laughed at myself.

Our excuses are worthless to Him, because He knows our capabilities. It isn't about how fat I am, or how blunt, or even how many friends I have-- it's about whether or not I realize that He is totally in control.

This is where the consecration comes in. I think that Moses and Job are two perfect examples of consecrated men in the Bible, but it wasn't until they realized that God created them for a distinct purpose, and that they were pointless without Him that they were truly at peace. They recognized God for who He is, and recognized their place in light of Him. Moses fell before the Burning Bush before he freed a nation from slavery, and Job put his hand over his mouth in embarrassment before God restored his riches and position.

The refinement was incredibly blunt, but some of us need that every now and then.

Scars that Save

2007-07-14T19:48:00.000-05:00

Over and over Your blood covers me.
How many times will it take me to see?
I am so dangerous.
I am so irresponsible.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that You took the blame.

Over and over it falls back to me.
My knees hit the floor and it's easy to see.
I am so arrogant.
I feel so unforgivable.

This is my same old song.
The one where I do it all wrong.
And I will try (fight) with all that
I am to get it right in the end.

Here I am, broken again, but then You show me,
You're wearing the scars that save.
How can You see me, as something so lovely?
Cause it's killing me that I am to blame.

Kids in the Way

Two Poems On Tea Parties and Ghosts

2007-07-11T03:14:00.000-05:00

The First Tea Party: Written in a Fit of Bitternes
Toward a Boy Undeserving of My Emotions
(April 6, 2007)

No, I won't stop apologizing for things that aren't really my fault
Because maybe it amuses me when you're just a little upset at my insecurities.
Maybe I want you to feel bad, because you never cared to before
And maybe I don't see that you ever even cared before at all.
Maybe the blood rushing from my face and my fingers turning to ice
Is just a reaction to your inability to take anything seriously.

Maybe ghosts are just too hard for me to have tea with
I can't sit across the table and smile when it's fake.
One lump or two, it never really mattered to me at all.
Although the scones were always my favorite,
I can't go on with things when I don't care, even though I know you can.
What makes it worse is, I know that I don't deserve you.
This has nothing to do with sour grapes.
I don't deserve you.

But I don't deserve another cup of tea, either.
And you're just going on with it because you like the taste.

The Final Tea Party: My Declaration of Independence
From Boys Undeserving of my Emotions
(July 11, 2007)

Some will leave you, but they will never leave you whole
They'll listen, but never really be able to hear
(Meaning they hear, but they'll never really care)
They'll call you worthless and push you away

Your ghosts will invite you to tea
Sporting somethings similar to character
Just as strong as their weakly brewed darjeeling
And strength just as pale as their pekoe stained with milk
Calling for two lumps instead of one to sugarcoat the truth.

These spirits will betray you
Lying to your face about what they could or couldn't be
Secretly saying "You're too good, but not good enough for me"
They'll send out the crisp invitations with only your name on the list

But if tea is any indication of character
And tea parties are the shindig of the posthumous,
I think I'll stick with coffee from now on--
The fresh, mellow energy... the strength that keeps you alive.

My Top 20

2007-07-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

People pin me as two things most often... 1) Anti-Romantic and 2) an average 20 year old kid. In order to prove both of these notions wrong, I'm posting my top 20 songs ever recorded list. Enjoy... and be surprised, maybe.

1) "Worlds Apart" - Jars of Clay
2) Beethoven's 5th Symphony
3) "Martyrs and Thieves" - Jennifer Knapp
4) "Old Rugged Cross"
5) Mozart's Symphony #40
6) "Why Try To Change Me Now?" - Frank Sinatra
7) "Can't Hurry Love" - Phil Collins
8) "My Girl" - The Temptations
9) "Pressure" - Queen
10) "Keep Waiting" - Stavesacre
11) "My Ever, My All" - Steve
12) "I Cry Out" - Parallax View
13) "Iris" - Goo Goo Dolls
14) "Everybody Loves Somebody" - Peggy Lee
15) "For Once In My Life" - The Temptations
16) "Fools Rush In" - Elvis Presley
17) "It Is Well"
18) "In Christ Alone" - Adriane Leishing-Camp and Geoffe Moore
19) "Scream" - ZOEGirl
20) "Ever The Same" - Rob Thomas

Booby Prizes and the Holy Spirit

2007-07-02T07:51:00.000-05:00

This post will be two-fold, but I think it sort of ties in together.

Lately, I've formed the habit of not sleeping. On this particular morning, this habit provided me with the opportunity to dig into God's word by light of the sunrise. Unfortunately, my Bible was not in my bedroom, and at 5 AM, I really didn't feel like venturing outside and waking up my parents, as well as my puppy, I scanned my prolific bookshelves for a Bible or any book that might contain large chunks of scripture.

I picked up a book that I found at a book fair when I was about 11 years old. It was published in 1965, and is entitled "Going Steady With God." It is a one-year devotional plan for teenage girls, but there is a lot of scripture in it, so I thought I would at least start in July and read four or five pages. I was surprised to find an in-depth look at the workings of the Holy Spirit after the day of Pentecost, as well as some incredibly outdated lingo and anecdotes. One of these anecdotes really jumped out at me.

"Once when I was your age I was at a Sunday school party where we were asked to name all the parts of a car. I got the booby prize because I named everything but the engine! Many Christians today need to be given the booby prize. They name everything about the Christian life and everything about the Church except the power, the dynamo!"

I still have a smile on my face from this excerpt from the book. Despite the obviously 60's overtones, Anna Mow had one thing right-- most Christians DO deserve the booby prize. In today's ministries, the movement of the Holy Spirit is left out, ignored, or never even taught.

This brings me to the second part of the post. I randomly check some part-time job listings on snagajob.com, just in case I ever feel like being employed by another person again. Today, I really identified with one of their promotional strategies.

In a modern, program driven church, it is REALLY easy to find a place to plug in and serve, much like it is easy to find a minimum wage job. However, the Holy Spirit is rarely involved in this process. We take our multiple choice personality test, run it through the system, and pair ourselves with what we seem to be best suited for. But, all too often, when we try to work outside our gifting and outside of the leading of the Holy Spirit, things get awkward, much like the photos above. I have known many lifeguards working in mail rooms, and jockeys working on cattle ranches, and I have definitely known some mechanics who were placed into jobs at trendy boutiques.

This is all metaphorical, of course, but when who we are doesn't jive with what we are doing for Christ, we aren't reaching our full potential. We aren't accessing the dynamo of the Christian faith, or the powerhouse of the Church-- the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Legacy & Unvoice poetry contest.

2007-06-27T01:07:00.000-05:00

Maybe someday, I'll be able to say what this (as well as numerous other Nichole Nordeman songs) means to me.

Meanwhile...

Unvoiced Poetry Contest:

Hosted By: Unvoiced
Deadline: Thursday Jul 26, 2007 at 7:00 PM
Where: Anywhere in the USA
Click Here To View Event

To enter this contest, e-mail me (unvoicedthebook@mail.com) with an original poem or essay expressing how self-harm has affected your life.

Possible topics might be:

*Are you recovering? Do you want to?
*How do you feel when you self-injure?
*Do you know and love someone who self-injures?
*How has self-injury affected the relationships in your life?

Prizes include:

Grand Prize: Free, autographed copy of Unvoiced by Jessica R. Goodwin; Access to the original, unrevised story blog of Unvoiced, and; your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

Runner up: Access to the original, unrevised story blog of Unvoiced, $3.00 off your copy of Unvoiced, and your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

3rd place: $3.00 off your copy of Unvoiced and your essay or poem published in the afterword of Redeemed: the sequel to Unvoiced.

Essays and poems will be judged by me and three of my closest friends or relatives. All contestants will be notified of the three winners on July 30th, 2007.

DEADLINE: July 26, 2007

Pass it on!

Starting Small

2007-06-20T00:48:00.000-05:00

It's been nearly four years in the making. At last, UNVOICED IS HERE! You all haven't the slightest idea how excited I am to be writing this blog. I have just finished, published, and ordered the first edition of Unvoiced-- a novel by Jessica R. Goodwin.

If you want your own copy, click here. I apologize for the price, but it really is the cheapest way for everyone, and I promise I'm not getting more than I should from each book.

If you REALLY want to read it, but can't spare up to $15 for anything (including shipping!), let me know... I can pass around my copy, or I can order one for you with my discount and you can pay me back. Also, it is available in downloadable PDF format for a waaaay less expensive price.

So... there you go. PRAISE GOD!

This I Believe:

2007-06-13T02:43:00.000-05:00

This I believe:
Beauty can be found in almost all things.
There are no small actions.
Despite what you think, you ARE pretty.

This I believe:
There IS a God, even if that offends you.
It doesn't matter if you disagree with me, as long as you still respect me.
We're SUPPOSED to be different-- it's how we were created.

This I believe:
Books rule. Anyone who tells you different probably forgot how to read.
Old movies are better than new ones.
Spending time with my family is approximately 164% cooler than anything else in the world.

This I believe:
You should never take relationship advice from someone who isn't even old enough to vote.
It's okay to be crushless.
It's okay to be just you.

This I believe:
YOU are the only person you should aspire to be... because that's who God wants you to be.
What you revere, you resemble.
There is nothing more beautiful than a soul captivated by the love of God.

What inspires me...

2007-06-09T14:49:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd post some music videos, because I have nthing better to say than what these songs say, and because I think it all needs to be said.

For this one, please take it with a grain of salt. It's actually an explanation of the next video... it's powerful, though.

Repost

2007-06-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Since people actually read my blog now, I thought I'd repost this... Even if you've read it before, I think you'll get a kick out of it again.

What I Want in a Church

L-O-V-E

2007-06-03T22:06:00.000-05:00

"Become a nun, and I'll leave you alone."

I laughed out loud as I read this statement from a friend in a Facebook message earlier this week. A short conversation with Bob Carder over the weekend prompted me to write about it. I was going to last week, actually, but I got so caught up in denouncing the complacency of the American Church in that last post that boys seemed like a silly topic of blogging. However, I have involved a lot of people in praying for my decision in this matter, so I figured that an update amidst such heart changing was in order. =-)

For the past couple of years, I've been really struggling with what role God has for me as a woman of God, and trying to flesh out the desires He has placed in me regarding romance and family. It seems that all of my friends are on either one side of the spectrum or the other (except for my father, who wisely fall somewhere in the middle.) Either I WILL get married, or I should devote my entire earthly life to celibacy.

Over the past few months, however, I've found myself really meditating on the idea of marriage. See, it's easy to say "I want to get married!" when you know someone you think you want to marry or "I'm swearing off boys forever!" when that person just TOTALLY played you, but for a while now, I've found myself simply at peace and not saying I will or I won't. Last week was really confirmation to me in this area. I found God telling me, "You only deserve someone who lives with total abandonment for the cause of Christ, and until that person comes along, you are to just strive to be the woman I created in you." Simple as that.

This was freeing for me, to be perfectly honest-- to know that God has created me as an individual entity that doesn't have to sit around and wait for a husband before I can accomplish ministry. Furthermore, God allowed me to throw out all of my "standards" but one-- total abandonment for the cause of Christ. To hold any other standard than that is to limit God in who He has me marry. God knows the desires of my heart, and while I am quick to assure all of my friends that they will find just the person God has for them, I still keep thinking, "mine HAS to love to read, he HAS to want to homeschool his kids, etc...", but it's not in my control anyway, and if it is God's will for me to marry a man like that, then I most definitely will have opportunity. I've found that it was not marital direction that God was pressing my heart to find, but contentment in knowing that He knows me (and my future husband!) much better than I do.

Until I find that perfect or almost-there boy, though, I'm fervently praying that God will guard my heart, because when I try to do it, I either fail miserably or I end up passing up chances.
Only He can do it right... story of my life.

Obedience: a choice, not a process.

2007-05-30T15:12:00.000-05:00

I'm currently reading K. P. Yohannan's book, Revolution in World Missions. One part of the book thus far really struck me, and it got me thinking-- why can't the American Church give up their buildings, programs, and method of ministry? I find it really, really strange, in light of the millions of other Christians in the world who meet without buildings or programs, that America seems so violently attatched to their church schedules.

Here is the part of the book I'm referring to:

"This kind of miracle kept me going from village to village for those seven years of itinerant preaching. Our lives read like pages from the Book of Acts. Most nights we slept between villages in roadside ditches where we were relatively safe. Sleepong in non-Christian villages would expose us to many dangers. Our team always created a stir, and at times faced stonings and beatings.
"The mobile Gospel teams I worked with-- and often led-- were just like family to me. I began to enjoy the gypsy lifestyle we lived, and the total abandonment to the cause of Christ that is demanded of an itinerate evangelist. We were persecuted, hated and despised. Yet we kept going, knowing that we were blazing a trail for the Gospel in districts that had never before experienced an encounter with Christ" (p. 30).

Now... this sort of thing is perfectly acceptable for a preacher in Third World countries, but when you try to place a minister like Yohannan in the context of the United States, it seems absurd to us, doesn't it? Why is that? How much have we as Christians conformed to secular society? How much do we worry about retirement, investments, education, mortages, and other material concerns that bear no weight on fulfilling the Great Commission?

When Yohannan heard God's call to spread the Gospel, he didn't stop what he was doing, set up a savings account at the local bank, and enroll in a Christian University, hoping to someday make it through a Masters of Divinity so he could preach in a church full of complacent Christians, urging them to invite their friends to Friendship Sunday one day a year so that he could spread the Gospel. He heard God's call, and he listened. Simple obedience is what it really comes down to.

Now which option sounds more absurd?

It's been a while...

2007-05-23T10:57:00.000-05:00

My brother quoted one of my favorite authors (Brennan Manning) on his blog regarding the Discipleship training that TrueVine participated in this weekend. Oddly, I was reminded all weekend of a Brennan Manning quote, as well.

"I want neither a blood'n'guts religion that would make Clint Eastwood, not Jesus, our hero, nor a speculative religion that would imprison the Gospel in the halls of academia, nor a noisy, feel-good religion that is a naked appeal to emotion. I long for passion, intelligence, and compassion in a Church without ostentation, gently beckoning to the world to come and enjoy the peace and unity we possess because of the Spirit in our midst."

I have met so many people-- Christian and non-Christian alike-- that have expressed the same sentiments portrayed in this quote. In my entire 20 years on this earth, I have never seen with such clarity the potential of the church as I saw this weekend. I have never once felt at home at any church. God drew me out of my shell more than He has in years. I have never been able to reach beyond myself and actually volunteer to speak up in the midst of 25 other people (especially 25 people who are far more interesting and mature than I am). I have never felt quite so valuable as I did this weekend.

What's more is-- I know that my feeling valued has nothing to do with myself. This was not any normal retreat, and it didn't enforce self-confidence. It was not always a HAPPY time, and it was not constantly uplifting (or as the quote says, noisy and feel-good), but it was beautiful. It was edifying in every sense of the word. It was a group of sold-out, willing, and broken Disciples who realized that without Christ, they are nothing, but with Him they are world-changers.

He convicted, He healed, He transformed, He soothed, and He provided us we REAL smiles amidst our unity in Christ. Through this, He also revealed our potential as His Church-- as His Bride. It was stunning. It was beyond comparison to any other religious experience I have ever seen.

All weekend, the idea that "What we attract them with is what we attract them to" was repeated over and over again. I have complete confidence that the weight of the Gospel and the true love of Christian brothers and sisters that we, as the Church, saw this weekend is enough to attract, romance, and transform hearts and lives.

Fulfillment in Irony

2007-05-05T23:21:00.000-05:00

God makes me giggle sometimes.

"No girl should feel she has to trade her body for love or be an old maid"

History Lesson

2007-05-02T12:24:00.000-05:00

It always seems that we never change history

As we read old newspapers that speak of the past

Men walking on the moon, invading another nation

Or standing so tall that they were shot down.

In these moments, the idea that we're all

Just dust in the wind becomes exemplary

We feel useless and ever so small.

It is as if we must be ten times the size

Of this world just to change it or make something work

When really, the world is changed by everything

It is changed by the wind which moves

Thin, swaying tree branches, but not mountains.

It is changed by the tear that falls

Even if there is no real reason for it to surface.

It is changed when the sun rises in the morning,

And changed again when it goes down.

It is changed as the crowd rushes through the street

It is changed, even as things are simply standing still

Because everything that isn't now or forever is history

And everything we have done leaves the world

A little different than it was originally found.

How much could your smile change history,
Creating a chain reaction of smiles around the globe?

Poem

2007-04-23T23:11:00.000-05:00

Take a second and find your own story
Tucked behind the third couch cushion
Crumpled at the bottom of a shopping cart
Reflecting from the mud puddle down
By the old, white country church’s cemetery.
Don’t be so scared of not living an epic
Remember this moment… this very moment
With the sun shining, and the scent of the wind
Fresh in the air… in your very mind and soul
Beckoning your smile to come out and play.
Don’t focus so much on the ugliness of life
Because you miss too much of the beautiful
Already… when you’re not looking, that is.
And there is so much beauty in things-- in everything
In everything.

Mhmm

2007-04-19T00:29:00.000-05:00

I have been waiting to post this. I wrote it for a creative non-fiction contest that my school sponsors, and I have been waiting to see if it won or not, so that I don't post something that is copyrighted in another publication. I did not win (I came in 3rd place), so I thought I would share it with the people who read this blog-- if anyone (aside from Bob, my dad, and the Ryans). Here it is-- after much revision. Special thanks for Prof. Teddy Norris for editing and proof reading.
______________________________________________

"Flesh and Blood"

Most of the people I know tend to make their cuts short, deep, and quick. They say it adds to the effect. It maximizes their available space. Mine were never short or quick. Mine were long, thin, and sometimes even decorative-- if a long, thin gash on the arm can even be considered "decorative." I’d slide the blade across my skin, just like the blades of ice-skates, carving slick grooves into a freshly Zamboni-cleared rink. In my mind, this was something that was supposed to happen. The slate was not supposed to be left clean.

People will tell cutters all of the psychological things that go on when they try to destroy themselves-- self-mutilation, they call it. I call it destruction by choice-- destruction by something as slick and beautiful as a razor blade. It releases a rush of endorphins, thus providing a sort of "high" without taking any real drugs. This is the scientific explanation of self-destruction. The addiction is often reduced to nothing more than chemistry in the brain and certain events from one’s past that flipped a switch in their mind, turning off the lights on their way out of the room.

I would argue though, that self-harm has little to do with the physical body at all. The high is not just endorphins; it is feeling—any feeling—which truly captivates the individual. That’s all it takes, really—sensation. I often found myself in a strange, thick atmosphere, in which I was hardly lucid. It wasn’t even that I was hurting— I just couldn’t feel. It is common for anyone who is depressed to be so emotionally damaged that he or she becomes numb. It’s a coping mechanism, like two year-olds plugging their ears when they don’t want to listen, or an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. But self-destruction is far beyond little metaphors. For the most part, self-destructors are suffocating in the dark room, and they have just stubbed their toe for the fifth time. But, if they see a small, shining stripe of blood on their arm, the sting of the wound is the best and most intense feeling they can conjure. When you’re that numb, I swear it’s better than falling in love.

It always surprises me when I tell others about this struggle of mine. "Struggle"… what a religious word! I say it out of habit because I was raised in a religious household, and am very religious myself. But, the connotations of the word "struggle" are very applicable to the mindset of a cutter. In a religious sense, the word "struggle" often denotes a person fighting against something they have no true desire for.

It is easy for a person to fight against something they never really wanted to begin with, but I wanted to cut. I wanted desperately to leave no perfect spot of flesh on my body. In the New Testament, The Apostle Paul wrote, "…our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). I struggled with both flesh and blood, but I also struggled against this addiction of the body that had great authority over my life. I struggled in the darkness of this world and the darkness of my mind after the switch was flipped.

In my experience, it is rare for a non-cutter to focus on or even recognize the brutality of self-destruction. Most people usually want to focus on the origin of it. If they are initially shocked by the fact that I ever participated in self-destruction, they are even more shocked when I cannot give a definitive answer as to why I gave up my entire high school career to multiple forms of it. I cannot give a specific situation or tragedy from my past that led me into depression, I know only that I have dealt with it. I also know that I can pinpoint the exact moment when it all began.

I remember I was standing outside my house in Farmington, Missouri. Because Farmington is mostly suburban, there is very little "city noise." It is a place where falling snow is heard in winter. That night, it was snowing. Like many self-destructive individuals, I had reached a point socially where I couldn’t stand to be around people. There were days when the sound of someone’s voice would send me into a frenzy of unchanneled rage and incredibly irrational thinking that would become belief for me. It was that particular night (while the sound of each snowflake pounded repetitiously in my head as it hit the ground) that I made the decision-- I hated myself.

Amid all this business of self-hatred, social awkwardness, and self-destruction, my biggest struggle-- the real bane of my existence-- was (and often still is) found in a little, belligerent thing called ED-NOS: "Eating Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified." ED-NOS is a category of eating disorders that encompasses anyone who has disordered eating habits but is not underweight (a defining symptom of anorexia nervosa) or participating in all of the facets of bulimia. It is a hodge-podge of all eating disorders. In my life, however, ED-NOS has not just been a condition, it has been an entity— nearly a monster.

I couldn’t have been anorexic, because I actually was "fat." I was 248 pounds, as I recall. I also obviously wasn’t bulimic, because I never intentionally made myself throw up. I was, however, massive. At only five feet and five inches of height, I was lumbering. I hated my body. I struggled with it. I fought against it, because I had no desire for it. I also didn’t eat more than 400 calories a day. I exercised for no less than three hours per day, and I was never happy with myself. Even after losing 70-80 pounds the summer before my junior year, I still wasn’t good enough.

ED-NOS was the monster that lurked in the closet of the dark room in my mind. It was by far my most beloved obsession. Often, ED-NOS was the one thing in a wide-open room that I would stumble over. I was Franz Kafka’s "Hunger Artist," making a grand spectacle of myself because of what I knew I could not be. The things average people valued could never fulfill me. ED-NOS provided me with a purpose—it made me feel accomplished. This made ED-NOS the hardest facet of self-destruction to give up.

It is easy for me to ramble about cutting or ED-NOS, because those were the thorns in my side. They were not my real heart-issue, though. Self-destruction is the most common heart-issue. It creeps into everyone’s lives. It is often found in grand masquerades, or in something as subtle as a teardrop. Self-destruction is not habitual action; it is a lack of habitual accountability. After training your mind into self-destruct sequence, one must train it back to a normal way of coping-- just as one would have to train a dog to sleep in a doghouse or relieve itself outside.

It is common for people to ask me if I ever had any sort of counseling for my habits of self-destruction. "No, I’m not crazy" I tell them, not because one must be clinically insane to participate in therapy, but because I am not crazy. I am recovering. If hating your body, or wanting to be someone else makes you crazy, I don’t think there is one sane person in the world. But, self-destruction magnifies our criticisms of ourselves-- it draws them out of us, sometimes metaphorically, and sometimes in the form of short, deep, and quick cuts.

Many people need counseling to deal with the sorrowful tunes played out in their life, and someday, I could find myself there, too. In a way, I seek counsel everyday. I talk with those who have been recovering much longer than I. I pray. I journal. I smile. I trudge through the hard days. I choose to feel. It is enough. It is enough to be reassured that I am not any less sane than those around me. It is enough to no longer hate myself each moment. It is more than enough to know that self-destruction does not loom in every corner of my dark mind. It is not in my power to self-destruct, and for this I am glad. Instead, I choose to strive for self-reconstruction.

UPDATE

2007-04-17T22:01:00.000-05:00

I am currently. . .

Reading: Story of a Soul - St. Therese of Lisieux.

Watching: Numerous Hitchcock and Agatha Christie films

Craving: Something more... something different... and coffee, of course.

Learning: that love is vital... loving Him is vital.

Rejoicing: My best friend of 8 years, Abbi Saunier, is getting married. She is my hero(ine).

Trudging: Through the final projects of the semester... one 8 page paper down, two more to go. (not to mention the Creative Writing Portfolio, Irish Lit responses, World Lit responses, Detective fiction final exam &&& the final Creative Writing short story-- which I haven't even started. yaya!)

Enjoying: Color, contrast, SPRINGTIME, and beautiful things.

Trying: To flex my artistic muscles a little.

I'm not normally one for posting icons on my sites, but this one...
I just couldn't resist.

Coping Mechanisms: religion's not the only one.

2007-04-02T00:02:00.000-05:00

Many Christians place blame on authors of secular philosophy for causing the downfall of the modern Church. Nietzsche, who is considered one of modern Christianity’s most formidable philosophical foes, espoused the idea that “God is dead! God remains dead! And we have killed him!” (Nietzsche, The Gay Science). His writings have no doubt influenced modern society and culture in vast and prolific ways, still, the American Church fools itself into thinking that what Nietzsche had to say in the 1880s actually bears any weight in the Christianity of today.

Growing up in church, I always heard about the evils of secular philosophy, and how they are at fault for the Church’s lack of reverence and “Pure Religion” (see James 1:27). As I have grown, however, I see that the Church is often in a state of great complacency. Even if the world is going to Hell, it doesn’t mean that the Church must decline. On the contrary! She should do no less than to rise to the occasion and prove that religion is no more a “coping mechanism” than secular philosophy. She must turn around the argument.

Even if the supernatural and the religious only existed simply because religious individuals subconsciously think that there is a need for it, or that it will give them comfort when facing the fears of death and eternity, I would argue that the atheistic and the anti-religious exists for the exact same reason. The religious may need their God, but the irreligious of the world crave godlessness, if only to justify their immorality or to make sense of their pain.

I would say that in a sense, Nietzsche is no more a realist that the Romanticist writing in order to eradicate the past, tradition, and the religiously stiff, but just as the Romantic period sought to break away from the Enlightenment, so the Realist Movement sought to break free of the tenants of the Romantic Era. Nietzsche aimed in all his work to provide a new meaning for human existence in a meaningless world. In the absence of any transcendent sanction, men must create their own values. Nietzsche's writings are either analyses and criticisms of the old system of values or attempts to formulate a new system” (Gale Literary Index).

By reading the selection of Nietzsche assigned by my Western Literature professor, I have come to recognize that the ideals of one man cannot be at fault for the complacency of an entire institution which he was not even connected to. I have also recognized the fact that Nietzsche was only doing what countless other writers have done-- pressed forward in a social reform which conveys very little logic, and even less benefit for the world.

Remember His Promise...

2007-03-26T12:32:00.000-05:00

He will swallow up death for all time,
And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces,
And He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth;
For the LORD has spoken.

Isaiah 25:8

NO MORE TEARS.

Don't Worry 'Bout Me

2007-03-26T00:25:00.000-05:00

Stream of Consciousness

It isn't like I want to relapse completely. I just take everything in so slowly, and I never release anything, and it builds up. There's no doubt in the world how dark this temptation is-- how demonically influenced it is-- it's like all of this stuff that I take in and never let out, it all builds and builds under my skin-- pressing, wanting to tear or swell out... and then I hear that voice suggesting that my addiction hasn't run its complete cycle, and I need to finish it... and I believe that voice, as though it has ever had anything beneficial, useful, intelligent, or good to say... But I don't do anything, because I remember that I'm supposed to wait three hours before actually going at myself with anything (knife, razor, thumb tack, pencil) and I remember that if I want to do anything, all I have to do is pick up my old red marker (the one that ran out of ink a few weeks ago) and methodically mark my arm...

onetwothreefourfive

till I go fuzzy enough and I wake up to remember that it's not at all worth it-- just because someone says "I've never known ANYONE quit cutting cold turkey" doesn't mean it's impossible--

that's where God's victory resides.

3 years, 4 months, 17 days, and counting.

112205

2007-03-10T15:59:00.000-06:00

There's something in me that tells me I'm not really good enough... something that calls me to be less than I'm worth. There's something that constantly reminds me of the falsity that there is nothing beautiful or delightful contained inside my soul. There's something in me that tells me to stop moving forward... to stop growing up... to stop fulfilling my obligations. Something's telling me that complacency is okay, that revolt against a divine plan is acceptable. There's something... no, everything inside me is telling me that any pain I feel is deserved, that I wasn't created for amy specific purpose... that I will always be unwhole.

But, You work inside of me. You constantly make motion of the dead. If anything in me is wrong, You set out to change it. You find me beautiful. You find me delightful. You make me worthy. You fill the unwhole.

O Holy Night

2007-03-08T11:45:00.000-06:00

I'm in my campus' computer lab, and for the past few minutes, I've heard someone humming "O Holy Night."

I dont know if there is actually someone humming it, or if it is in my head.

But regardless, it's DEFINITELY the 8th of March today, and "O Holy Night" should not be heard for at LEAST another 8 months.

What a Weekend!

2007-03-03T14:34:00.000-06:00

I admit that I am completely shaken at this moment. For the past year, I have protested against the practices of modern Christianity concerning the idea expressed by a youth pastor I once knew;

"If you fill these chairs, you're accomplishing ministry."

This ideal makes me ILL. It makes me irate. But moreover, it inspires me to want to change both myself and my world.

This weekend, my best friend, Teia has been in town. She recently participated in a mission trip to Thailand, where God threw her whole life in circles that haven't really subsided yet. We talked a lot about the state of Americans, and how it affects the state of the American church. In our church service this morning, the theme was continued by my younger sister reading from her journal about an experience she had in Juarez, Mexico.

Here's the truth: plain and simple.

Americans are spoiled. American Christians are spoiled. Instead of being holy and set apart from our depraved culture, we are conforming to it. We have become attractional, invitational, and we demean God by ignoring the weight that His Gospel places on the hearts of those called by God to believe. We ignore the commands of Christ, and replace them with programs or man-made institutions. In essence, we ignore Christ.

On top of this, after returning home from the church service, and saying goodbye to Teia, I logged onto Facebook, only to find one of the most incredibly written blog posts from my friend, Alex. Alex has to be one of the best writers that I know, but I don't think I have ever read anything from him that has struck me so hard. I want to quote a bit of it, and if you click on the title of this post (here on Blogspot), you can read the whole post.

"Indeed, the earth groans, children weep, and will we yet do nothing? If your said “fire” for Christ be real, prove it with your sacrifice rather than talk. Go out and help your neighbor instead of attending another church sponsored concert. We have a clear choice, either live like a disciple or live like a heathen, lest God spit us from his mouth. How often have we shame Christ with our words, our actions? I will freely admit, I am as guilty as any, but I have grown sick of it, weary of it. My heart aches as I throw mud on the cross with my words, with my actions….but I tell you now no more! I will not live this half life, this double life; I will be in Christ or die trying!

Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations Matthew 28:19"

March 1st: Self-Injury Awareness Day

2007-02-28T23:52:00.000-06:00

Please say a prayer for all of the Self-Injurers in the world today, that they may find healing, peace, worth, and release from their addiction. I know I did... Praise God.

Don't keep silent.

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. (Isaiah 53:5)

One Girl Revolution

2007-02-16T12:17:00.000-06:00

One time, when I was being maybe-overly-opinionated, as I can be at times (what can I say? I'm a Goodwin) someone said to me, "You shouldn't try so hard to change the world."

... I decided it would not be wise to heed their advice.

Smart Girls Still Believe in Love

2007-02-14T18:31:00.000-06:00

I have repeated this phrase over and over to myself after reading the book, "Dating Mr. Darcy" on Christmas of 2005. As many know, I loathe Valentines day with a passion, but I do not hate love. It is tradition for me to wear all black, watch sad movies, listen to old Country music, and even pin a felt broken heart to my shirt on this "day of love", and so I did today-- with only one difference.

I walked down the stairs in my all black outfit, and threw my arms in the air, proclaiming, "HAPPY SINGLES AWARENESS DAY!" to my younger sister. I was stopped by my mother who informed me that my sister was not happy to celebrate her singleness. I wasn't really surprised at this. She is 16, after all, and being pure is never popular, and it is rarely easy-- especially when all of your friends are obtaining "hot" boyfriends, and you've only had a couple that you regret (trust me, I understand this perfectly.

"At least your prince won't find you kissing a frog." I reassured her.

I decided to show her the "exception" to my Singles Awareness Day garb-- I pulled up my black pant leg to reveal pink and white plaid socks. I then repeated my motto;

"Smart girls still believe in love."

" It seems I've come to a realization. Despite the fact that I hate Valentines Day with a passion, it is no reason to be Anti-LOVE. Love is not evil. It's not something created by corporations to rake in the big-bucks. It's not even a fantasy. It's real, it's committment, it's responsibility, it's commanded by God, it's an attribute of God... and for someone to deny this beautiful gift under the pretense of bitterness is surely as close to a grave sin as one could ever come.
So, today, forget about all of the stupid people you've dated and all of the wrecked "love stories" you've experienced. Forget that love has become something shallow in our society-- something that's been torn up and thrown away so many times that we've begun to hate it (ironic.. we hate love). Forget about your need to be UNfeminine. Smart girls still believe in love.
Smart girls still embrace the beauty of a possible future romance, and they realize that romance isn't what defines them. Smart girls love everyone fiercely, and they make every effort to portray love ina an honorable, graceful way. Smart girls dig smart guys who honor them and treat them with respect and Godly admiration EVERYDAY of the year, not just on February 14. THAT is love.
I'll say it again...
Smart girls still believe in love." (February 14, 2006)

Contrary to popular belief, it is perfectly acceptable, and actually often BETTER to be single. Don't let the idiocy of Valentine's Day get you down if you are single.

Also, if you are currently in the love of you life and 100% convinced that you're RIGHT where you should be, CONGRATULATIONS, and may God bless the love you're experiencing. :)

I may hate Valentines Day, but I'd be stupid to hate love.

-Jessica

Things That I ABSOLUTELY adore

2007-02-12T00:51:00.000-06:00

Since I posted all of my pet peeves, I thought I'd make a list of some of the things I really, really love. Here goes..

- The fact that God is a rescuer
- Rain storms
- Fruit snacks
- Old movies... the overacted, underrated black and white ones.
- The Temptations
- Art... visual manifestation of human passions.
- MY FAMILY. If you know them, this does not need explanation-- but I'll explain anyway.
- My daddy's smiles-- there are different ones for different moods. I especially love his mischievous smile :)
- My mommy's chocolate chip cookies... they taste different every time.
- Anthony's geek moments... there are too many of them to count.
- Mark's completely random sense of humor.
- The fact that Christopher HONORS me... he doesn't just love me.
- Amy's uninhibited laugh, outrageous smile, and ability to trust and love people.
- The books of Isaiah, Lamentations, Romans, and Jeremiah. Biblical poetry-- mmmm.
- Finding God amidst sorrow, and realizing that that is all too often right where He belongs-- because it's right next to you.
- Laughing until I cry.
- Words... all words... every kind of word.
- My friends.
- The fact that my puppy mopes when you mope and tries to cheer you up when you cry.
- The fact that my bunny is more obedient than my puppy-- and he throws fits and stomps when he's mad... okay... I just love my bunny.
- Springtime.
- Warm sweaters
- Chivalrous men
- Color
- Contrast
- My best friends, Abbi, Ian, and Teia--
-Abbi, my sister, who loves unconditionally and speaks truth into my life. I want to be like Abbi if I ever get to grow up.
- Ian, who stretches my mind and challenges me to think outside of my emotions, and who can just goof off and talk about monkeys and hippos and all sorts of useless things.
-Teia, who just plain challenges me. Without her, I'd probably be some agoraphobic psycho. :)
- I LOVE being single.
- I love my nephew... for so so so many reasons. :)
- I love writing... it's cathartic.
- I love reading... it's therapeutic.

Things That Bug Me a Little

2007-02-08T12:09:00.000-06:00

When in doubt, write about your pet peeves.

So.. okay... I really can't stand when you're in a public place with someone, and you spend a lot of time in close proximity to them, and when you get home you SMELL like them. That drives me absolutely insane.

I also can't stand it when Christians jump down a non-Christian's throat with a bunch of theology and philosphy that isn't even relevant to any conversation being held-- it's like they're just looking for something to argue about, instead of trying to inform someone of their religion or what have you.

Static-electricity
REALLY cold weather
Catching a cold
watery-eyes
Days when you feel absolutely massive
giant reading assignments

loosing an assignment you should have turned in two days ago, and finding that it's NOT, in fact, saved on your computer

realizing there really IS something wrong with how your mind works.

Going shopping with your brother who is more picky than you are... or your sister... or your mom.

Wearing high heals, forgetting that you walk around a college campus all day.

Trying to write a great paper that turns out completely incoherant by the second page.

not being able to sleep
people asking "What's wrong?"
retail customers
decided ignorance
extremist thinking
materialism
myself

When I'm trying to sleep, and my blanket is upside down, or the seam of the blanket is not near my head.

When I can't concentrate.

When I really want coffee, but I forgot my wallet at home.

Overbearing profanity.
illogical debaters
people who can't just define the issue
socks that fall off
shoes that are just a little bit too big

I'm a little irritable, methinks.

SARCASM

2007-01-29T12:23:00.000-06:00

I love it when you can feel people pushing you out of their lives-- When you know that you don't really matter to some people anymore, or when you know that they value something so immaterial more than their four year friendship with you.

I love it even more when I can lay awake at night and pinpoint the moment in my life that brought about all of the complexes I've formed in the past five years. I love that I know exactly what is wrong with me, and where it all started.

But what I really love is the fact that I can't do anything about it.
It will never change.

I love that I'm so incredibly selfish about so many incredibly stupid things-- that I can look at someone's pain and say, "They're so selfish.", even though I'm the selfish one. I also love that I'm pretentious and critical. I love that I can spew out advice and admonishment because I so obviously know exactly what other people should be doing, but then I forget that I did it all, too-- I just chose a razor instead of a bottle, or a cigarette, or a joint.

I love that, through all of the things I do, I end up doing to God the exact things that I can feel people doing to me-- pushing Him out of my life while claiming His grace, and waving in His face something so immaterial that I idiotically value more than my friendship with Him.

L'imposteur

2007-01-24T00:20:00.000-06:00

CLEANTE: Brother, I don't pretend to be a sage,
Nor have I all the wisdom of the age.
There's just one insight I would dare to claim:
I know that true and false are not the same;
And just as there is nothing I more revere
Than a soul whose faith is steadfast and sincere,
Nothing that I more cherish and admire
Than honest zeal and true religious fire,

So there is nothing I find more base
Than specious piety's dishonest face--
Whose impious mummeries and hollow shows
Exploit our love of Heaven, and make a jest
Of all that men think holiest and best;
These calculating souls who offer prayers
Not to their Maker, but as public wares,
And seek to buy respect and reputation
With lifted eyes and sighs of exaltation;
These charlatans, I say, whose pilgrim sould
Proceed, by way of Heaven, toward earthly goals,
Who weep and pray and swindle and extort,
Who preach the monkish life, but haunt the court,
Who make their zeal the partner of their vice--
Such men are vengeful, sly, and cold as ice,
And when there is an enemy to defame
They cloak their spite in fair religion's name,
Their private spleen and malice being made
To seem a high and virtuous crusade,
Until, to mankind's reverent applause,
They crucify they're foe for Heaven's cause.

Tartuffe, Moliere

Evolution of the Poetic Concept

2007-01-20T18:40:00.000-06:00

I love to write poetry. Period. As I become more and more educated in literature-- both traditional and contemporary-- my perception of what is "poetic", or even "artistic" changes so often. The first semester of college was spent trying to perfect poems of meter, rhyme, and traditional form. I even tried to write a sonnet once...

Stretching out Your hand as if it were rain
You chose to touch my dark and sordid face.
What motivation! Still, my mind refrain
From choosing to run this long, horrid race.
And lo, my heart [still mute] will reprieve this;
That I may remain living while still dead
And I shall refuse to live in true bliss.
Still my soul would surely choose this instead,
To cast away its cares or simply cope.
For there must be some unfeigned way to
Live in full peace and to know sincere hope--
To love and be loved by One who is true.
How lost in Your wonder is my small mind!
None have I known, compared to Your kind.

Last spring semester, I read a lot of ee cummings. A LOT of ee cummings. I annotated. I mimicked. I came to love the idea and challenge of controlling words without meter or rhyme. The abstract structure of American poetry in the 1950's caught my attention, and I decided to try to work on this beautiful idea. Here's one of my favorites...

dancing, like ballet
across the surface of the sea,
like air
the art of you sculpts fragile memories
like cool marble stone
in a still quiet museum.
all around, the people
bustle away
while you, like the sun
rise and fall,
creating your masterpiece.

I think I am slowly evening out my style, and I am extremely excited.

Last night, I found a poem by a Palestinian-American poet, Naomi Shihab Nye. Her use of language and control of tone and atmosphere astounds me, as well as the power of her imagery.

"Making a Fist"

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,
I felt the life sliding out of me,
a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.
I was seven, I lay in the car
watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.
My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

"How do you know if you are going to die?"I begged my mother.
We had been traveling for days.
With strange confidence she answered,"When you can no longer make a fist."

Years later I smile to think of that journey,
the borders we must cross separately,
stamped with our unanswerable woes.
I who did not die, who am still living,
still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,
clenching and opening one small hand.

-Naomi Shihab Nye

I have read and heard many of Nye's poems in the past week, and all morning before church, I had two lines of poetry in the style of Nye that would not leave my mind: "I never knew what my house looked like from the highway/nestled in the earth, and life, and willows." So, after I sat down before the service (and through the whole thing, I admit), I began to write it down. But... how do you finish a pome like that? Where is it supposed to go from there? I added line by line all morning, and I ended up writing this;

I never knew what my house looked like from the highway
nestled in the earth, and life, and willows
with a creek bubbling behind and six cars parked in front.

I've always wondered if it looked like home from a mile away
filled with the truth, and smiles, and singing laughter
with tears behind us and bright hopes ahead.

But I realize, it's not about what it looks like on the outside
not earth, not willows, not six cars parked out front.
It's about living out the smiles.
It's about singing out the truth.

This semester, in all four of my literature courses, I hope I can take away even more ways to refine my poetic concept. I'll share with you all the poetry I write, even if it scares me to death to let anyone see it. You all encourage me. You inspire me, and inspiration is the best kind of poetry... it IS poetry.